The Golden Globe Acceptance Speeches That Weren’t

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Men are scared. Men in Hollywood are even more scared. 

To point, last night, Seth Meyer, the 75th Golden Globes host, joked this in his opening monologue:  “Good evening ladies and remaining gentleman,” he said to the applause of the room. "For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud.”

Cue the laughter and the claps, but also, cue the dopey confused male faces. Do we laugh or do we cry. Or do we crawl under these tables? Men last night were lost

And we do understand, but not a single man who accepted a #GoldenGlobes tonight spoke out about sexual assault, #MeToo, or #TimesUP. 

Guys, wearing a black tux isn't enough. I mean, if you're going to wear the pin, at least know what it's about. 

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UMM. 

So don't worry guys, we go this too. We did a little rewrite for you. Here's how to treat women who are changing your professional for the better. 

JAMES FRANCO, BEST ACTOR, MUSICAL OR COMEDY 

“First person I have to thank is the man himself Tommy Wiseau. Come on up here Tommy. 19 years ago, he was stuck in traffic from the Golden Globes. He said to his best friend Greg, “Golden Globes, so what? I’m not invited. I know they don’t want a guy with accent, long hair, so I show them. I don’t wait for Hollywood, I make my own movie.” I’m very happy to share this moment with him today and with all the women in the room, who have been pulling a Tommy for the last 75 years. Women who made their own way. And who continue to do so tonight. Thank you so much for your efforts, for your hard work. For bringing Hollywood into a new era and to every woman who has ever said, “I show them. I don’t wait for Hollywood, I make my own movie.”

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD,  BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, TELEVISION SERIES 

Hi. I have a friend who is eight years old and he was perplexed when I didn’t thank him at the Emmy’s. I will not make that mistake tonight. Ossian Skarsgard this is for you. Now, it does not escape me that I am winning an award for playing an abusive rapist during a monumental time in Hollywood when predators have been exposed. When women are saying Time’s Up. Women like the powerhouses who made this show possible. I am here tonight because I have the privilege of working with extraordinarily talented women. Most of whom who are in this room. Liane Moriarty who wrote the novel. Bruna, our producer. Reese, Laura, Zoe, Shailene, and Nicole, I am humbled to stand by you. To tell a story that is the unfortunate story of so many women. Too many women. For those of you at home who don’t know, this pin that I’m wearing is in reference to the Time’s Up Legal Defense Fund which provides subsidized legal support to those who have experienced sexual harassment, assault, or abuse in the workplace. It is a movement against sexual harassment founded in 2018 in response to the Weinstein effect and #MeToo. It is a movement against the men, like the very one I am winning an award for playing. And to that man, to the Perry Wright’s of the world, your time is up. 

GARY OLDMAN, BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA 

I feel very humbled and surprised to have been asked to this stage. I’d like to congratulate my fellow nominees for their beautiful work. I am in very fine company this evening. Indeed. Winston Churchill said, “My tastes are simple, I am easily satisfied with the very best.” And I was surrounded by the very best. To the magnificent makeup team – your artistry has no equal. Kristin Scott Thomas, thank you for my beautiful Clementine. Your work is exquisite. And thank you for putting up with all those awful cigars. To the women in this room, I’d like to thank you for no longer putting up with the awful, truly despicable behavior of men in Hollywood. You have battled the worst and come out victorious. You’ve been patient, too patient. And to my wife, who put up with my crazy for a year. She would say to friends, ‘I go to bed with Winston Churchill but I wake up with Gary Oldman.’ Which is, I suppose better than the other way around. I am very proud of Darkest Hour. It illustrates the words and actions can change the world– and boy, oh boy, could it use some change now. Thank you, Winston Churchill. And thank you to the women in this room and in other rooms who are also changing the world. 

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Who else should we rewrite? Comment below! 

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