We Need to Talk: How I Dealt With Founder Depression and Came Out on Top

We Need to Talk is a bi-monthly, anonymous series, where contributors share stories about business, life, and the stuff we don't like to talk about.

Photo credit: Laura Dee

“Worse than losing competence is losing the ability to even tell if you are competent or not.” 

It was a sentence I circled around for what felt like twenty minutes. Once I got to “not” I’d find myself back at the start with “worse.” 

Not worse. Not worse. Not worse. It began to feel like a mantra where I was trying to convince myself of a feeling opposite of what was happening. I’m “not worse” than I was a year ago. I’m “not worse” than anyone else in my position. Except, I was; at least I felt so in this particular moment.

The piece was written by Hanna Rosin for Lenny Letter. She was chronicling her switch from a 20-year career as a working writer to radio—a medium which she had no experience in. She then found herself back at career ground zero. Now, she is a co-host of the NPR show Invisibilia. It was a bold switch she made in her ‘40s and I was nothing short of envious.

Especially to me, founder of company "X," devouring her words while simultaneously spooning Honey Nut Cheerios into my mouth and wondering, what if I gave it up all too? What if I said screw this entrepreneur thing, the pitching, the selling, the sweat and tears, and pumping my own money into company "X" for the last five or so years, and started over? Would that even be possible? It’s one thing to switch careers, but to shutter your own baby? I don't know, I whispered to myself, I just don't know. Not. Worse. You're not worse. 

The last statement is not untrue. My company is profitable, though small. I employee 7 people. They have health insurance and paid vacations and I do the right thing by them. I feel respected by other business people and can hold my own in a conference room full of investors. On the other hand, I feel a wave of uncertainty. 

It's a feeling often pegged as "impostor syndrome." When you're not sure why or how you've made it and that soon those rose-colored glasses through which everyone sees you, will become less rosy and more mossy. They'll see that you don't have the experience, the foresight, and will challenge that you are charging exorbitant prices for your services. (Stick to your money guns, you're not. There's a reason someone paid you XYZ to start—you're worth it). 

In some cases, impostor syndrome can manifest into something far less talked about: founder depression. They don't talk about it in business school or boardrooms. Women certainly don't seem to talk about it in front of male peers. From what I've seen, they don't even like to talk about it in front of other female founders. But why? What is founder depression and why does it hover like a grey cloud over your professional and personal life?

Starting a business takes a leap of confidence. It’s you telling the world, “Hey, you need this service or this product and I am going to be the one to deliver it to you. Me. Out of the 7.125 billion people on the planet, I have the ability to solve this problem for you…" That’s no small undertaking. And the outcome of all your hardworking and determination to make you company successful may not always end in happiness or perfection. In some cases, it is common to develop a form of depression that is hard to shake. And how does that affect your confidence and ability to sell yourself as a business owner and your product? Telling someone you're depressed feels like the opposite of both confident and competent. Especially as the leader of a business venture that you’re trying to sell to the world. Scary, right?

No one, not even your best, most trusted employee, will care as much as you do about your vision for your business. There are days when you’re completely disheartened, as if the anxiety is a tide waiting to pull you under and all your doubts pull you to the bottom of the ocean. There will be nights when you stare at the ceiling wondering why you started the business in the first place and there are moments where you lose the ability to discern if you’re competent or not.

"There are moments where you lose the ability to discern if you’re competent or not."

Tweet this. 

There is no worse feeling—the feeling of incompetence. But it's also temporary.  (You should also talk to other founders and understand that this feeling, this doubt, this low—is completely normal.)

As a female founder, you don't want to be perceived as weak. Beyond that, no one wants to feel weak in their leap of faith to launch your own business. I’m telling you to reconsider that feeling. Doubt should be used as a driving force rather than a setback. It’s our missteps that make us stronger. It is our weaknesses that make us reevaluate our strengths and propel us forward.

Look. Here’s what happens on a bad day: an employee quits, three deals blow up in your face, and your dog runs away. You feel completely alone; solopreneur for life. 

Here’s what happens on a good day: homeostasis. 

Here’s what happens on your worst day: your business folds.  

Here’s what happens on a great day: you land an account, something that has been pending for months gets SIGNED, Forbes sticks you on 30 under 30, the most talented copywriter comes to work for you, and your grandma calls to tell you she’s proud.

And that is when you realize, you're "not worse." No. Quite the opposite.

"You are competent." You are brilliantly competent. 

This story was originally published on June 26, 2016 and has since been updated.

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Uncommon Opinion: I Don’t Want to Be the Boss

Personally, I blame Bruce Springsteen because no one blames him for anything ever, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that we have romanticized the idea of the Boss. 

The Boss is in charge. The Boss has flexibility. The Boss takes fancy lunch meetings. The Boss also carries the weight of the company, everyone’s salaries, deals with HR, paychecks, keeps the company afloat, and more. 

Head honch-no thank you. 

Do you think Grace Coddington wanted to be Anna Wintour? Maybe somewhere along the 25 years she worked for Vogue she thought, ‘I’d like to be Editor-in-Chief,’ shortly thereafter realizing, “Oh no, I’d much rather smile!” 

That doesn’t mean she wasn’t aspirational and kick-ass at her job. "Do I dream very much? Do I dream predominantly about fashion?” she asked herself in the 2009 documentary The September Issue. “No,” she answered, “I dream much more about cats.”

I can’t help but feel the same.  I have dreams and hopes for myself, but running a company or making Forbes 30 Under 30 aren’t them. Jokes on them! I'm over 30. (Cats have nothing to do with my dreams either.) But why does that feel so uncomfortable to say out loud? As if it makes me less powerful, less feminist, less of the woman I should aspire to be. We hold professional advancement in higher regard than performing well in our position. 

Running the show means that if shit hits the fan, it’s your fan and you’re cleaning it. Yes, it also means there is the potential for a high payout. The accolades are more high profile. The dinner party invites might be better and the dream wardrobe more of a reality, but the pretty version of jet-set-dinner-party-squad-goals boss that we see projected through the Valencia filter on IG isn’t real life. Everyone knows that, and yet we are still conditioned to think that "boss" means success.

Well, CE-no thank you. Here are 5 reasons why.

IT’S RESTRICTIVE. 

TO me, the idea of being the boss seems like being the Queen or King; neither are roles I’ve ever wanted to play. There are rules, restrictions, public personas— things you can and cannot say, etiquette and financial stressors. Sure, as Queen you don’t need a license to drive (or in the case of Queen Elizabeth to ill) but you are in charge of all your subjects. Or in the case of being the boss, your employees. (Fun fact: Queen E owns all of the swans in the Thames River.) 

When you are the boss there are no job requirements. Your job is everything. When you own the company you don’t get a raise because you performed well; most often that money is pumped back into the company to show potential investors that you believe in your idea. 

BEING THE BOSS OFTEN MEANS $$. BUT MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS. 

Let’s hit refresh on that always cited Princeton University study published in 2010 that found that happiness rises as income rises up until you hit $75,000 a year. At that dollar point, happiness ceases to improve as you earn more. 

The study actually found the opposite to be true. Those who are happiest are proven to be more productive which, leads to better pay. 

Not all founders or bosses are unhappy, but the stakes are higher, so is the pressure, and as we’ve heard from Create & Cultivate panelists, “Founder depression is real.” 

YOU HAVE LESS JOB MOBILITY.

When you are unhappy or unfulfilled by your job or career path, you can change it. (This should not be taken as advice to monkey around from one career branch to another.) But with less responsibly comes more mobility. When you are in charge, or own your own company, that company has custody over you. You can’t simply pick up and leave— there are people who rely on you after all. No pressure.

Moreover, shuttering your own company and going to work for someone else is viewed as a set-back. Even if it's not true, people view it as a failure. Having to walk away from a company you created is not a position I want to be in. 

Being crucified on the cover of Variety as a failure? Seems unpleasant as well. Multi-million dollar payout and all (see point 2). 

IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE... 

You’ll never work a day in your life. So the saying goes. This is one of those really tired, unrealistic job-related aphorisms that f’s with people’s heads. Even if you love what you do, you will not like it all the time. In fact, you might hate it some days. TOTALLY OK TOO. 

As employees we tend to give ourselves more leniency when it comes to the days we don’t like our jobs. When you own the company, or when you’re the boss, there is more pressure to believe in and love the work. 

It’s simply not possible to love it all the time. As a founder you have to be obsessed with your company to make it work, but obsessions come in waves. Some days are easier to ride out than others.

When you're the boss it’s very stressful and scary on the days when you’re simply not feeling it. 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT BEING THE BOSS. 

So you don’t want to be the boss? GREAT! Let's high-five each other. There are currently almost 10 million boss hashtags on IG. 

You can be a high-performer without being in the highest position. Success doesn’t mean car or corner office or cabana. You can create an amazing career without striking out on your own. Being someone's right hand doesn't mean you've chopped yours off. 

[If you do want to be the boss: read this.] 

Success means going home and having the ability to dream about cats. It means that you are satisfied with the decisions you’ve made for your career. For many people that means acknowledging that you don’t want to own a company or be in charge.

Even it if means you don’t own all the swans, you’ve still got the wings to fly. 

Arianna Schioldager is the Editorial Director of Create & Cultivate, and therefore, not the boss. Find her on Instagram: @ariannawrotethis and on this site she never updates www.ariannawrotethis.com

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