#HeyLauren: Are We Addicted to the Hustle?
Just one more deal before bed.
"Hey, Lauren" is our new bi-monthly column from licensed psychologist Dr. Lauren Hazzouri. Dr. Hazzouri is a TV show host and founder at Hazzouri Psychology, where she’s carved out a successful niche treating women who are psychologically healthy—but trying hard and not getting satisfaction in various aspects of their lives. Through her life experience and training, Lauren’s developed a program that allows women to live meaningful lives and feel fulfilled doing it. Lauren is founder of HeyLauren.com, a project for women, where she provides evidence-based insights on job stress, relationship woes and everything in between.
photo credit: Kelley Raye
An advanced google search for “hustle” and “women,” results in 13,500,000 quotes, images, and articles attempting to inspire us to Hustle Hard (insert muscle emoji) with messages like: “Real woman hustle,” “Good things come to those who hustle,” and my personal favorite, “If she ain’t got no hustle, then she ain’t worth shit.” (insert blank face emoji.) While the intention—to motivate us to try our best—is clear, the tactic is warped and the message falls horrendously short of empowerment.
Over 40% of household breadwinners in the U.S. are women ( U.S. Bureau of Labor), and women are the fastest growing group of entrepreneurs in the U.S, making up 30% of privately owned businesses.
So, in many ways it appears that our #Hustle mentality is working for us, but at what cost? My concern is that the #Hustle is another of our reactions to the patriarchal system that we are attempting to overcome. As a clinician, I see women everyday (just like you!) hustling their tails off to meet deadlines, prove their abilities, close the big deal. At the same time, they’re exhausted, feeling less than satisfied, exhibiting a nervous energy that hardly makes life enjoyable. To me, the #Hustle is simply a glorified manifestation of perfectionism in the workplace, and it needs to be viewed as such before we #Hustle ourselves directly out of the very game we’re equipped to dominate when in tune with ourselves, unaffected by the noise, and achieving balance.
"It appears that our #Hustle mentality is working for us, but at what cost?"
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The #Hustle is appealing, of course. I’d go as far as to say it’s addicting! We’re human-beings, and humans tend to repeat anything that feels good. For women, especially, nailing the presentation and bringing home the bacon feels SO damn good. Let’s face it— while becoming increasingly common, doing so remains against all odds. So, it can feel intoxicating. I get it! Let me be clear, I’m not preaching mediocrity for the masses. Mediocrity makes my skin crawl. Instead, I’m suggesting that balance is best. While it may seem risky, I’m willing to bet that your performance and quality of life both improve when you hop off the #Hustle hamster wheel and into you. When you’re in tuned with yourself, your voice, your relationships, and your community, there ain’t no telling what you can accomplish. Bottom line—the #Hustle is limiting your potential. It’s certainly not fueling it.
To increase life satisfaction and performance simultaneously, let’s take a page out of the overcoming perfectionism handbooks that is guaranteed to have you #Hustling toward your health. With health and balance working for you, the sky’s the limit!
Here’s how:
LOSE THE STINKIN' THINKIN'
There are ways of thinking—Black and White thinking, Catastrophic Thinking, Awfulizing, and The Shoulds— that are synonymous with the #Hustle and lead to hamster wheel hell. In lieu of internalizing these negativistic thoughts, recognize the debilitating patterns and let ‘em go. It’s typical practice in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to swap the “irrational” thoughts for more “rational” ones. Because your thoughts make complete sense, given the patriarchal society you’ve unintentionally internalized, I choose to call them self-destructive vs. self-promoting thoughts, instead. NOTE: Even changing the language is a necessary part of working counter to the current of pathologizing women and gives us permission to be ourselves—as we are, today.
GET BACK TO THE BOUNDARIES
Your time matters. Your relationships matter. Your community matters. We’re all in this together, and we need you. It’s important to keep your character—honesty, accountability, responsibility, and integrity—in tact. Doing so will allow you to easily set boundaries and save yourself for the living part of life. Meeting deadlines and slaying the day are fine and dandy, as long as you can do that, while feeling the value and meaning in your presence.
GET IT DONE!
Enough with the procrastination, too! You spend as much time talking about the #Hustle as you do #Hustling. Most of the time, it’s because you’re afraid your product won’t be “good enough”. I suggest a cognitive shift. Crush your “to-do” list with a Do it to get it done mindset. The result will surprise you! In dropping the self-prescribed standards, you’ll engage in a lot less bitching and a lot more doing. You’re welcome!
"Crush your 'to-do' list with a do it to get it done mindset."
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FORGIVE YOURSELF (AND OTHERS, TOO!)
Compulsive behaviors are born out of pain, low self-esteem, and the like. The answer is NOT to continue with self-destructive patterns. Instead the answer is to let go of past upsets and disappointments and treat yourself as you would a loved one. The #Hustle can’t hold a candle to self-compassion when it comes to feeling good. So, if you’re going to compulsively do anything, I motion for compulsive self-care seven out of seven days of the week.
GET TOUGH ON GUILT
Fear, guilt, and shame fuel the #Hustle mentality. The answer is exposure! You’re afraid to take the day off? Take two! Worried you’ll let your team members down? Well, you’re a team member, too. Even more— when balanced, your work is on time, on point, and on top. So, really, run toward discomfort! The key is to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
THINK BIG PICTURE
There’s no such thing as a make or break situation. Nothing and no one can make or break you, other than you. So, take it all in stride—one day at a time. We’re all on a quest to “meet our purpose”, but you are your purpose. Without you, you’ve got nothin’. And, you’re integral to the big picture. So, it’s high time to treat yourself with the value you possess between your head and your toes.
Following these tips will allow you to shine through the #Hustle with ease, balance, and grace, keeping in mind that yes!—your contribution to the world is ultimately important. BUT, You are your contribution! #HustleToYourHealth and the rest will follow (ten-fold!).
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Dr. Lauren’s on a mission to bring psychology to the public. She contributes to a variety of online publications, provides candid talks to women’s organizations across the country, and was recently cited in Forbes. Lauren’s next appearance is on September 9, when she will deliver a Ted Talk entitled Life Works. Her talk is said to highlight various aspects of the book she’s currently writing on “how to do the human-being thing really well.”
Dr. Lauren is the 2016 recipient of The Psychology in the Media Award from The Pennsylvania Psychological Association and is a member of The American Psychological Association. For more from Lauren, visit @dr_lauren and sign up for her weekly newsletter at HeyLauren.com.
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Hey Lauren: How Do I Become My True Self and True Brand?
Generation Instagram needs to know.
"Hey, Lauren" is our new bi-monthly column from licensed psychologist Dr. Lauren Hazzouri. Dr. Hazzouri is a TV show host and founder at Hazzouri Psychology, where she’s carved out a successful niche treating women who are psychologically healthy—but trying hard and not getting satisfaction in various aspects of their lives. Through her life experience and training, Lauren’s developed a program that allows women to live meaningful lives and feel fulfilled doing it. Lauren is founder of HeyLauren.com, a project for women, where she provides evidence-based insights on job stress, relationship woes and everything in between.
photo credit: Tory Williams
Hey Lauren,
How do we become ourselves and build a brand simultaneously?
Thanks,
The IG Generation
To do this discussion justice, let’s start with a short ( and necessary!) psych lesson. According to Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist who founded analytic psychology, in order to become whole individuals, we’ve got to strike a balance among our personas, our egos, and our true selves. The persona, a mask we create and wear in public, is an expression of our egos—how we wish to see ourselves and for others to see us. The persona is not a problem, nor is the ego; they’re both necessary! The problem arises when we identify too much with one, allowing our personas to become our identities. When that happens, our true selves have little room for growth. The result is that we feel stuck and discontented, having a hard time integrating and becoming our whole selves.
BUT HEADS UP! WE BRAND OUR PERSONAS.
Much like identifying too much with persona, mistaking our brand identity for our true selves puts our personal individuation at risk. In short, individuation is a process of self-discovery and is said to be necessary in our quest for purpose and meaning in life. The answer is NOT to shy away from personal branding. Instead, to stay on track to true self while building a brand, a dose of objectivity is key. Your personal brand is merely a means to connect self and society. So, do your damnedest to keep your brand values in line with who you really are. This way, you’ll be sure to keep the discomfort that comes with cognitive dissonance at bay, and growth in one area won’t compete with growth in the other.
The process of building a brand and the process of becoming your true self look very different. Think about it—building is defined as constructing something, while becoming is defined as passing into a state. Believe me!—I know. Taking action is much easier for most of us than being passive. At times, the action is in the inaction. It’s easier to practice with the end-goal in mind. Remember—the reason you’re building your brand in the first place is in an effort to make your mark on the world—to meet your life’s purpose. Research on individuation tells us that you’re going to have to get acquainted with your true self first.
Therefore, creating an environment where your true self can emerge is necessary.
HERE'S HOW!
START WITH CHARACTER
On the path to becoming your true self, it’s important that you begin to act more like the wind and less like a weather vane. A ( not-so-easy!) way to do that is to hone your character through a steadfast commitment to: Honesty: Be honest with yourself and others, regardless of the consequences; Accountability: Always do what you say you’re going to do—no excuses!; Responsibility: Respond, don’t react to your environment; Integrity: Do the right thing—even when nobody’s looking!
SPEAK UP
Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean. People pleasing is deceitful. You think you're being so nice. Agreeing when you don't agree, being okay with whatever when you're really not is stealing.
"Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean."
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Social interaction—and that includes social media—benefits us in that it provides opportunities for us to learn about ourselves by comparing and contrasting opinions and viewpoints and allowing others to do the same. You're not only stealing a growth opportunity from you, but also from your followers, too. The path to true self requires courage.
TAKE NOTE OF YOUR HOT SPOTS
Having insecurities is part of the human condition, which is not only fine but expected! Beware of how your experiences and insecurities shape your perception. We have the tendency to morph into what people seem to like or dislike. Losing our way is rarely the result of accurate information coming in. Instead, it’s how we view the information coming in. In order to reach the ultimate destination ( your true self!), it’s important that you dismiss what feels like negative feedback by getting familiar with the irrational thoughts that perpetuate insecurity. Bottom line—look out for triggers! Monitor your thoughts. And remember, respond don’t react.
EMBRACE THE FULL PACKAGE
We all have many aspects to our personalities. Recognize and foster each one. A lot of times, it seems that personal branding leads women to pigeon-holing themselves into certain personas. We have a tendency to pick and choose aspects of ourselves that are seemingly more marketable and less likely to increase vulnerability. Your personal brand ( and personal growth!) can only be a success is you recognize and celebrate all that makes you, you.
JOURNAL IT (WITH PEN AND PAPER)
Becoming our true selves is a life-long process. There are no short-cuts, and there’s no easier, softer way. Journaling is the enemy of confusion. I recommend you journal for 20 minutes a day. The health benefits of putting pen to paper cannot be overstated. Even better, writing accesses the left hemisphere—the rational part!— of your brain. In an effort to combat outside influences, write down your thoughts. This way, you’ll be sure to take the lead from the part of you that responds with grace, rather than reacts in fear.
"Journaling is the enemy of confusion."
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Following these several tips is a part of a foolproof plan to grow personally and professionally simultaneously—a true win-win. Brand that!
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Dr. Lauren’s on a mission to bring psychology to the public. She contributes to a variety of online publications, provides candid talks to women’s organizations across the country, and was recently cited in Forbes.
Dr. Lauren is the 2016 recipient of The Psychology in the Media Award from The Pennsylvania Psychological Association and is a member of The American Psychological Association. For more from Lauren, visit @dr_lauren and sign up for her weekly newsletter at HeyLauren.com.
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Hey Lauren: How Do I Avoid the Dangers of Like-Chasing?
Espeically when our brains are hard-wired to want them.
"Hey, Lauren" is our new bi-monthly column from licensed psychologist Dr. Lauren Hazzouri. Dr. Hazzouri is a TV show host and founder at Hazzouri Psychology, where she’s carved out a successful niche treating women who are psychologically healthy—but trying hard and not getting satisfaction in various aspects of their lives. Through her life experience and training, Lauren’s developed a program that allows women to live meaningful lives and feel fulfilled doing it. Lauren is founder of HeyLauren.com, a project for women, where she provides evidence-based insights on job stress, relationship woes and everything in between.
Taking a cue from society, millennials put undue pressure on themselves to get on the right path to meet their purpose—today! Long gone are the days of getting a boring, mundane job that builds life-skills and pays the rent upon graduation. This generation is all about the greater good, fulfillment and branding themselves and their ideas! The problem is that often times, personal branding begins without having had the variety of experiences, relationships, and time to get comfortable in their own skin and really shore-up a sense of self.
This dilemma, what I refer to the cart before the horse quandary, puts millennial women at risk of being ultimately vulnerable to the appraisal of others, leading to what I call Like chasing, the never-ending altering, morphing, and becoming (not first-rate versions of themselves) second-rate versions of established brands and images that people and society Like a million plus times a day.
When we see that Kim Kardashian gets zillions of likes for this and Kylie doesn’t get as many for that, we naturally accommodate our personal repertoire. This cognitive process has been explained by social-learning theory for decades. It certainly isn’t rooted in "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." Research tells us that likes trigger the reward center of the brain, reinforcing and perpetuating our behaviors on social. We want to be liked!—and that’s okay. It’s just part of the human-condition and there’s no shame in the human game!
But, there’s a big difference between nurturing the self and building a brand. It appears that we’re exhaustively instructing millennial women how to brand themselves without providing insight on how to be themselves, hence the obsession with appealing to “the market.” Think about it— In order to be successful, a brand must be “directly connected to consumer needs, emotions, and competitive environments.” And, millennial women are doing just that ( with themselves, competing with each other!). Ergo, they morph into what the consumer ( i.e., follower) responds to in a positive way—rebranding after rebranding, Like chasing.
"There’s a big difference between nurturing the self and building a brand."
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It makes perfect sense! As human-beings we long to be a part of and are hard-wired to respond to things socially. We also long to be seen but fear being seen in a critical way. So, branding allows us to exercise control over how and when we’re seen by others. Of course, it would like a win-win. If only it were that easy!
It’s important to remember that social media changes how we interact with our social environment, not how we develop as human-beings. To be fulfilled, we must respect ourselves and others, have the ability to connect in a meaningful way and become our true selves—regardless of the number of likes!
Only your true self can make your unique contribution to the world, and that’s the reason you started branding yourself and your ideas in the first place. Isn’t it? Great, so let’s get started.
A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE PLEASE!
Spend less time painting a public-self portrait and more time becoming your ideal-self ( the person you want to be). Of course, you can document your journey with several selfies, but it’s important to be aware that this journey is on you, for you—not about you, for your followers.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU
The goal is to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives by acting in our environment much the same way we would respond in a vacuum with no outside influences. In life, we can only control what we say and do. Much of the time, to respond appropriately, we must wait for our emotions to dissipate and our rational mind to resurface. It’s been said that our power lies in the space between stimulus and response.
"Our power lies in the space between stimulus and response."
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Becoming familiar with that space is so important. It allows us to hold on to our power, to ourselves!
BECOME THE PUPPETEER ( VS. THE PUPPET!)
Use the reinforcement to get you where you want to be! Now that you know that the reward center of your brain is triggered with the likes you receive on social media, only post pics of you doing things that close the gap between your real self ( who you are today) and your ideal self ( the person you want to become). Instead of posting pics that capture your night out, post pics on your journey of personal growth and development.
GET FAMILIAR WITH YOUR THOUGHTS
Thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behavior. Each of us has many thoughts, up to 70,000 per day! The goal is to get so familiar with your thoughts that you can instantly recognize the irrational thoughts—those making you feel down, scared or worried, or like you need to Keep up with the Kardashians! Once you know which thought patterns cause the unwanted feelings, you can change them. If you change how you think, you can change how you feel and how you behave.
REFLECT ON YOUR CORE BELIEFS
At times, the old, negative, irrational way of thinking can be stubborn. Some thought patterns can be resistant to change because of what we believe about ourselves, other people, life in general and the future. Fortunately, you can choose what you believe. Change your Core Belief from “I’m stupid,” to “I’m smart.” Then, act as if! Do the things that smart people do—read, watch documentaries, discuss ideas vs people. In doing smart people things, you learn ( you get smarter). And, just like that— “I’m smart!”
Following these tips will get you on the path to becoming your true self, one that’s resilient to the influences of social media and can make your unique contribution to the world. From my perspective, that’s something worth branding!
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Dr. Lauren’s on a mission to bring psychology to the public. She contributes to a variety of online publications, provides candid talks to women’s organizations across the country, and was recently cited in Forbes. Lauren’s next appearance is on September 9, when she will deliver a Ted Talk entitled Life Works. Her talk is said to highlight various aspects of the book she’s currently writing on “how to do the human-being thing really well.”
Dr. Lauren is the 2016 recipient of The Psychology in the Media Award from The Pennsylvania Psychological Association and is a member of The American Psychological Association. For more from Lauren, visit @dr_lauren and sign up for her weekly newsletter at HeyLauren.com.
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Hey Lauren: Can You #Hustle Your Way to Happy
The positive psychology movement wants to improve normal lives.
"Hey, Lauren" is our new bi-monthly column from licensed psychologist Dr. Lauren Hazzouri. Dr. Hazzouri is a TV show host and founder at Hazzouri Psychology, where she’s carved out a successful niche treating women who are psychologically healthy—but trying hard and not getting satisfaction in various aspects of their lives. Through her life experience and training, Lauren’s developed a program that allows women to live meaningful lives and feel fulfilled doing it. Lauren is founder of HeyLauren.com, a project for women, where she provides evidence-based insights on job stress, relationship woes and everything in between.
photo credit: Moriah Ziman Photography
To submit questions to Lauren follow the prompt at the bottom of the article. She'll be responding to your needs every month! In her first post, Hey Lauren addresses the issue of "the hustle."
FOR DECADES, psychology focused on ill-being—providing scientifically-driven treatments to help miserable people be less miserable. More recently, the positive psychology movement set out to determine how to improve normal lives. Much research has been done to answer the ultimate question: What makes us happy? Everyday I have women (just like you!) trying super hard and not getting any satisfaction, rolling with the 'Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop' mentality and coming into my office saying, “I just want to be happy!” The problem is NOT that no one is talking about happiness—an Amazon search for books on happiness results in 22,083 differing opinions and tips, and to date, there have been 544 ideas worth spreading about happiness at TED. The problem is that no one seems able to define the word happiness. Happiness is defined by Merriam-Webster as the state of being happy. I don’t know about you, but one of the first things I learned in Fourth grade vocabulary class is that it’s not acceptable to define a word, using that word or any variation of that word in the definition. The only students, who tried to get away with that were those who hadn’t studied the vocab list.
"No one seems able to define the word happiness."
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In this case, it’s not that simple. Happiness is hard to objectively define. I remember (back in my doctoral training days when I studied happiness) having to split the happiness variable into positive and negative affect ( mood) and life satisfaction. The problem— and, I’m sure you’ll agree!— is that you can have a ton of positive feelings, like your life a whole lot and yet, not feel blissfully happy. Many times, the missing factor is that we still don’t like ourselves!
It’s been said that the key to happiness is healthy self-esteem. People often confuse confidence and self-esteem. While correlated, they’re not one in the same. You can be confident in many areas—your skill-sets, your appearance, your ability as a tennis player—and still have very low self-esteem. Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance that arises from appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities, while self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth or value. In an attempt to feel good about ourselves, we often improve our tennis game, lose those five extra pounds, or #Hustle, #Hustle, #Hustle. While good for a confidence boost, there are many champion tennis players and experts in their respective fields, who’s self-esteem remains very low. However, confidence and self esteem are correlated, and self-esteem and happiness are correlated, too.
Recent literature points to three levels of happiness. There’s The Pleasant Life—a life filled with fun and positive experiences; The Good Life—the life of one, who’s identified her signature strengths and uses them to access Flow; And, The Meaningful Life— the life of one, who uses her strengths and abilities to make a contribution to the bigger picture, the world. It’s said that people who live The Good Life and/or The Meaningful Life are happier than The Pleasant Life livers, but the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. Adding pleasant experiences and fun to the other two seemingly renders the best results. I know, shocking!
Here’s the deal— We can use this insight to make our #Hustle work for us, rather than against us! Get off the proverbial hamster wheel and #Hustle to use your signature strengths ( areas in which you have high confidence levels) to live The Good Life, losing yourself in Flow. This way, working hard can feel good! If you’re lucky, you’ll discover that those same strengths can be used to make the world (—even your community) a better place to live The Meaningful Life. The best part—doing so will allow you to feel your worth and value, and in turn, increase self-esteem.
"Get off the proverbial hamster wheel and #Hustle to use your signature strengths to live The Good Life."
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In the words of Gloria Steinem, “Self-esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it.” Apparently, not even happiness! So, let’s get started.
IDENTIFY YOUR SIGNATURE STRENGTHS
Take this brief survey at authentichappiness.com! Knowing your individual strengths is the most important part.
PRACTICE FLOW
Flow, a term coined by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, is the result of being so engaged in an activity that your awareness of time disappears, and you are almost one with what you are doing. I’m sure you’ve heard an artist talk about losing herself in her art. She’s describing flow. To achieve flow, you need to be able to do three things: engage for an ample amount of time on one task, focus wholeheartedly and with intensity, and finish the task to completion. Ready, set, flow!
GIVE BACK
The trick to fulfillment is to make the shift from self-centered to others-centered. Use your strengths to get outside yourself and do things in your community to make your world a better place. Remember, giving back is an integral part of your personal growth and development, and the bonus is that you’re doing great things.
HAVE FUN!
Take breaks and get social. In reality, we are social beings having a human experience, not visa versa. When we spend too much time mastering our craft, we get a little bit squirrelly! Have pleasant conversations. See amazing places. Do fun things. For this one, think — You only live once!
With a commitment to honing your #Hustle toward the life you deserve ( —which at times means to #AntiHustle!) and have fun, too, you might be the one to finally define happiness for us all.
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Dr. Lauren’s on a mission to bring psychology to the public. She contributes to a variety of online publications, provides candid talks to women’s organizations across the country, and was recently cited in Forbes. Lauren’s next appearance is on September 9, when she will deliver a Ted Talk entitled Life Works. Her talk is said to highlight various aspects of the book she’s currently writing on “how to do the human-being thing really well.”
Dr. Lauren is the 2016 recipient of The Psychology in the Media Award from The Pennsylvania Psychological Association and is a member of The American Psychological Association. For more from Lauren, visit @dr_lauren and sign up for her weekly newsletter at HeyLauren.com.
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