Unpopular Opinion: Why You Should See Others as Competition
Hear us out - it's time to cut the kumbayas.
Credit: @alyssainthecity
Last week we spoke with beauty YouTuber Ingrid Nilsen who shared how she feels about young people and the bombardment of images via social media. "It makes them feel like life is a competition and love is a competition, and that beauty is a competition. It’s not." And she's right.
This is not an uncommon sentiment among women, both in their businesses and personal lives. We've rejected the notion that there is a limited amount of success and we're redefining that success on individual levels. Ingrid echoed this idea as well, telling us that, "I don’t equate being at the top with my success. I felt really successful from the beginning.”
But when it comes to business, especially when it comes to making money or inching someone else out, we've all gotten a little too kumbaya with it. Hear us out.
HEALTHY competition is important. It's vital to the advancement of ideas and breaking through our own limitations. If other people weren't "better," we would never push to be better either.
If other people weren't "better," we would never push to be better either.
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I started thinking about this while watching Simone Biles, gymnast extraordinaire, after her “low-scoring” balance beam routine on August 15th at the 2016 Rio Olympics. During the routine, Biles stumbled and touch the beam with her hand to prevent falling off. Instead of nabbing her fourth gold model, she took bronze (nothing to snuff at). Her teammate Laurie Hernandez, took silver. Simone was over-the-top happy for Laurie and the placement for U.S.A., but in a single blink she also revealed that she saw her teammate as competition-- in this instance the woman who scored higher than her. There was no ill-intent. Nothing malicious or malingering, but rather it was a healthy reaction that reminded Simone (and me) that competition is important, gold is not a given and that work is always necessary.
In this (also important) battle rally cry to support and uplift other women, we’ve forgotten that competition is OK. More than OK really. If we as women are all team U.S.A., happy and supportive when our teammates win, we should also each be the individual athlete, able to compete for the “gold,” in our careers.
We should be fueled by the women who are better— whatever your definition of better may be. There are going to women who get the job we want, who are paid more, who get the book deal, the brand partnership, the gold medal when we don’t even place. This is great news. If the highest wave floats all boats, someone has to be the highest wave.
We should be fueled by the women who are better— whatever your definition of better may be.
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There is, likewise, a building notion, budded by that Madeline Albright quote (‘there is a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women) that Albright herself has said was taken out of context.
The idea that women need to empower each other is correct, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t disagree with each other, or offer opinions that push against the tide. Why is it no longer OK to disagree with another woman without being shut down? Or called out?
Why is it no longer OK to disagree with another woman without being shut down? Or called out?
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Do we not see men as competition? I spoke with a male owner of an events and marketing company to get his take. “Do you see other men as competition?”
“You should see others as competition,” he said “but mix it with a bit of humility. With my company specifically, I know we could hire a Social Media Director and do all parts of a project. Or we could bring in someone else who can do it better. That way there's more for everyone, as opposed to everyone doing more. Everyone has their own limitations. The goal in the beginning of my business was to be so 360 that we took all the money and figured out how to do it afterwards. Now it's about taking the right money and building your business from there."
"At the same time, I'll look to the right or left or me, and there are people doing much better. They are the competition. But I ask myself, how many hours are they putting in? Success and competition is not just about a bank account."
His is what I'd consider a healthy approach to business. "Success to me is to work 50 great hours a week and enjoy 70 percent of my work. If I'm hitting those numbers it's easier to not look to the left or right and be frustrated."
Creating a community does not mean creating homogenization, where we are responsible for agreeing, helping, and supporting all women, all the time. Movements do just that (move) by their ability to pivot and shift. Competition is part of this. It moves us forward.
So let's move forward with a little bit of heat and humility.
MORE FROM OUR BLOG
What Success & Authenticity Mean to YouTube Star Ingrid Nilsen
Living in her truth, every damn day.
In the world of YouTube there are those considered to be “top of their game.” Beauty blogger Ingrid Nilsen is one such name. Her charm and smile are infectious. As is her honesty. "First of all," she says in a recent "July Favorites" upload, "I just have to say that I am on my period."
“I don’t see myself at the top as much as I see myself as successful,” she tells us when we chat a few weeks later. “Those are two different things for me. I think that my success is rooted in the intention of helping other people and moving in the direction of love. Everything that I do in my life revolves around those two intentions.”
Ingrid has followed that intention from the very beginning of her jump into YouTube. Now 27, she uploaded her first video over seven years ago. It hasn’t always been smooth vlogging. The wwwaves are rough and first videos can be choppy. Ingrid’s first upload has been described as painfully awkward, something that makes her laugh now, but in and of itself is a success, having started video blogging as a way to get over a fear of public speaking.
“That,” she says, “has kept me rooted and has made me feel truly successful. You can have millions of subscribers, you can, numbers wise be at the top, but you can also feel really unhappy being there too. That’s why I don’t equate being at the top with my success. I felt really successful from the beginning.”
“Reflecting on that, recognizing and accepting that,” she says of the initial video, “will carry you through difficult times you’re bound to encounter.”
She’s had her share. She first got into makeup to deal with the passing of her father. It became a way to express what was happening inside of her. “Experimenting with makeup was a way for me to navigate my grief from losing my father when I was a teenager,” she says. It’s also why she doesn’t agree with the idea that you can’t be a makeup blogger and authentic. “I think behind every person wearing mascara, lipstick, foundation… is a story that’s waiting to be told.”
"I don’t equate being at the top with my success. I felt really successful from the beginning.”
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“I talk a lot about being comfortable with yourself,” she says when we talk beauty standards and authenticity. She comes up against a fairly standard argument, those who say that the two are mutually exclusive. “I think beauty standards in general are harsh and I wish our standards were simply acceptance and love-- the world would look very different, but people think makeup is used as a mask,” she says, “and it can be. But for so many makeup is used as a tool to navigate something internal. And if this is the tool that helps someone navigate something inside of themselves, let them have it. Let them have this outlet. It’s so important.”
She does acknowledge that there is much more pressure for young girls. "There is definitely a lot more," she says, "because there’s more information and access,”
"When you become completely consumed by these images-- which, is not to put anyone consuming the content at fault because there is just so much and you come across it without even trying to look for it-- it has an effect on young people. It makes them feel like life is a competition and love is a competition, and that beauty is a competition. It’s not. I think that digging into and trying to find a deeper awareness of yourself is really important to navigate this world we live in. This stuff,” she adds, “isn’t going to go away.”
Though she's a "beauty" blogger, dishing on winged eyeliner and lipstick hacks, Ingrid feels "the most beautiful when I’m crying." She tells us. "I may not feel that way the entire time, but I'll remind myself, this is the moment when I feel the most beautiful because I’m completely exposed.”
“Everyday, whether it’s a good day or a bad day I look in the mirror and see myself. I’m not always thrilled, but I see myself , I'm grateful for that. That has not always been the case.”
Still from "Something I Want You to Know."
In her coming out video titled, “Something I Want You to Know,” Ingrid told her subscribers the she was gay. The video has over 15 million views to date. "I'm gay," she tells the camera, laughing and crying, "it feels so good to say that."
Though it felt “natural and important" to her, it was also "a big step in bringing my audience closer and letting them in. I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t want to shut them out."
"YouTube has been a space where people can be themselves, and be themselves in whatever light that is that day and receive acceptance," she says. "I think that’s why it’s why it’s so accepting of the LGBQT community. It’s rooted in authenticity and acceptance at its core."
Receiving acceptance is a huge part of why she keeps doing the work and sharing herself with the world. “I give a lot, but I also receive so much from the people I meet and the comments I receive online. I am fueled by the people in my community who care and accept me.”
Even with success she’s not immune to impostor syndrome. “I’ve felt this so many times, but those feelings are coming from a place of fear. Everything I have and love in my life right now are all things that once completely terrified me. So I think the way I work through those feelings of, ‘I have no idea what I’m doing’ or ‘why are people following me?’ stems from my willingness to surrender to my mediocrity. I’m not going to be good at everything. Getting to that level of humility takes work."
“A lot of times of what you really want is on the other side of fear,” she notes. You have to go straight through, there’s no shortcut.
"I am fueled by the people in my community who care and accept me.”
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When it comes to her work, she's found, not a shortcut, but a bit more balance. In the beginning she was shooting, editing, and posting the same day-- a grind that wore her fine. “When you’re doing that for years,” she says, “it can really take a toll on your general well being.” Now she does a quarterly brainstorm with Eileen, who manages her day-today. They "brain dump" ideas and then really hone in on the forthcoming season, events, and holidays. When possible she likes to shoot a month in advance.
“I think that there is always a balance,” she says about creating content. “Content that your audience wants but doesn’t require you to lose your authenticity. There’s always a sweet spot and I try to find that sweet spot."
She was “a lot more stressed out,” in the beginning. “I was pumping out as much content as I could, whenever I could, and the turnaround was much faster.” But she knows that the work she put in at the start, what she calls an “I will not stop mentality,” is what got her where she is today. “Having the experience of a one-day turnaround was essential to my growth.”
Today she is committed to being her most authentic self. "You have to know where you stand and what you feel comfortable with." So how does Ingrid know what she’s comfortable with? “Sometimes what I’m comfortable with is being uncomfortable," she says, "especially if it means that I’m moving in the direction of emotional bravery."
She doesn’t know exactly what’s in her future, but she does know that "it will be exciting." She credits this to moving "in the direction of truth and helping other people. I would love to figure out a way to make something that’s tangible-- a product, book, or something that I can put into people’s hands and have them feel the energy that I put into my work and my life every single day.”
Ingrid will be joining us on panel at #CreateCultivateATL-- there are just a couple of ticket left!