3 Thoughts That Are Holding You Back From Everything You Want in Life

Photo: ColorJoy Stock

Raise your hand if you spend your time stuck in the past reviewing all that went wrong today, yesterday, or maybe even your entire life? How about time spent in the future hoping, dreaming, and wishing that people, things, or events were different than they are? Yes, I see you. Any time spent out of the present moment is time spent creating everything you don’t want. So why do we do it? Our thoughts, beliefs, and actions will lead us to where we are now.  We can create change by identifying what our core beliefs are and transforming our belief systems.

I’ve been trained to start with noticing where we are holding our trauma in the body first and then re-programming the mind—learn more on my Emotional Reset Method—yet awareness is still key. I have seen thousands of people reclaim their lives to create what they truly desire in their lives. I recently worked with three completely different people struggling with the same core thought patterns. Ahead, I’m breaking down three thought patterns that will destroy the chance of creating your desires. Read on to learn what they are and how you can turn it around.

1. “I feel like if I let go, something bad will happen.”

Imagine holding a balloon and then squeezing it as tight as you can. That balloon is going to fight you on it. It’s most likely not going to pop unless you poke it with a sharp nail or object. It’s just going to resist you until you’re frustrated, exhausted, and let go. Nothing bad happens, it just isn’t going to change anything.

This goes for life, people and events as well. The more you control something, the more it will control you. More importantly, expecting something “bad” will only increase the chance of you unconsciously creating the “bad.” It is when you release your expectations that you can open to all that’s possible.

The Fix: Experiment with letting go, and setting yourself free. Until you try it, you‘ll never know what is possible. 

2.“I feel guilty going and doing my own thing.”

Katie is a wife, mom, daughter, and owner of a successful small business. She wakes up every morning to make breakfast for her husband and girls before running off to work to be available for her staff, then she picks up the girls after school, checks in with her aging mom to be of any assistance she needs, and gets the household ready for dinner along with anything necessary to get done before taking on the next day. For the last three months, she has been feeling a sense of guilt for her desire to start photography classes and fulfill an inner creative calling. As we dialed in on the core root of her pain, she stated, “I feel guilty going and doing my own thing.” Can you relate?

Ignoring our desires and stuffing them down will eventually spiral into anger, resentment and ultimately, a life lived with regret. Any desire that we feel from our heart is meant to show us our own unique path to fulfillment. The more you ignore it, the more unfulfilled you will be. The more you listen and follow, the more inner peace, joy, and fuel you will feel and have to share with the ones you love.

The Fix: Ask yourself, “Do I want to live with regret, or do I want to inspire myself and others with my gifts?” Write down what those gifts are that you want to share. Then start actively working towards making that change.

3. “I am ___.”

Take seven days to write down any words you say on a daily basis that precede the words “I am.” This is what you believe about yourself (and sometimes what you believe about everyone else). Is your mind saying, “I am happy” or is it saying, “I am so mad?”  You choose your state.

The Fix: Keep a running list in the note section on your phone and at the end of the week, take the negative statements and re-frame them into the positive. State the positive statements each morning until you feel the change. This is who you really are. You’re welcome. 

About the Author: Robin Emmerich has spent close to a decade coaching some of the most successful women in business. Even with their considerable success, the common denominator is that as much as they seemed to be cruising through life on the outside, they were melting on the inside. It’s why Robin just launched Beauty and the Mess—an athleisure brand creating a sisterhood who understands that life is messy and difficult and challenging, but together, can find the strength to prioritize passion over perfection and fearlessly seek beauty in their everyday lives. She currently offers the “Live the Life You Desire” self-transformation course based on the legacy she was graciously gifted from her mentor Dr. Coletta Long, a pioneer and expert on the power of the subconscious mind, individual coaching, and worldwide retreats. Need some inspiration? Download your free meditation to get clear and tap into your inner wisdom at robinemmerich.com. Additionally, you can connect with Robin on Instagram or beautyandthemess.com. 

Love this story? Pin the below graphic to your Pinterest board.

This story was originally published on August 7, 2019, and has since been updated.

MORE ON THE BLOG

Does My Career Determine My Self Worth?

New expectations have begun to haunt women each day. In a world, full of Elaine Welteroth’s, Bozoma Saint John’s, and Sophia Amoruso’s — we feel the pressure to be our own badass career woman. 

Scrolling through our social feeds to find these amazing women living out their dreams has altered our reality. Though encouraging and liberating for women in this generation, it can also be discouraging. Quotes such as “choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life” can become discouraging to some when you’re constantly working towards choosing the job you love but you remain stuck in the job you have. You begin to look at yourself and start to believe that you must be doing something wrong (even though you're doing everything in your power to do everything right).

We are hungrier than ever to accomplish our goals and to take the career world by storm. Yet, our expected achievements don’t meet our timelines. We have done everything we can, from cold emailing to going door to door, but somehow, we can’t quite get to the girl boss level we’ve been working our ass off for.  Some of us, such as myself, have played it by the book and have gone to college to retrieve that fancy (and expensive) piece of paper. 

Now what?

After graduation, I acquired a job that most people would consider “a dream job”. And it was — until I hit a wall. I began to realize that I was not going to learn more than I was taught and a promotion was not coming my way for a while. I felt stuck and devalued. I knew in order to get to the place I wanted to be professionally, I had to make a change. I quit my job, packed up my bags, and moved back home with no job in sight. I took a leap of faith as all the enthusiasts like to encourage dreamers to do. Little did I know, this would be a full year of doors being slammed in my face.

"I knew in order to get to the place I wanted to be professionally, I had to make a change."

Tweet this.

Months of applications, cold emails, networking, and going door to door turned into days of no callbacks and “you’re just not the right fit for us”. Other than the retail job I had to get me by — I was practically jobless. After a year of being jobless, I hit rock bottom and depression began to flood my veins. Was I not good enough? I had several internships in the past and over 2 years of professional experience yet I was not worthy enough to be hired. 

The lack of success in my career hit me hard. I have always been labeled the go-getter and people looked to me for career advice. I felt my expectations and the expectations of others weigh down on me. Family, friends, and everyone around me saw my constant success for years and when I no longer had that, my identity faded. I realized that I correlated my worth with the success and pace of my career.

I had no desire for a love life, I happily accepted my singleness, and my career became the love of my life — this was my happy reality. Believe it or not, the Sex and the City and Cashmere Mafia lifestyle was #goals for me. Through this year of being jobless, I began to love myself less. What I valued most about myself was non-existent. If I’m not good enough to get a job after a full year, was I good enough at all?

At exactly a year, I finally got hired.

It wasn’t the job I dreamed of but it was a good start. Though back on my feet — I still felt incomplete.

This job did not match my vision. I molded a perfected version of my career since I was a young girl and that dream began to slowly slip away along with my worth. The power woman I thought I was and could potentially be slipped away with my lost worth.

Though I’d given up on myself, I knew that I would hate myself forever if I didn’t try picking myself back up. I couldn’t let my career slide to the waste side. After a month of feeling down – I picked myself back up and decided to keep moving forward. My career isn’t over and I am still worthy.

I began attending networking events again, cold emailing my career idols, and searching for freelance work that would help me stand out during my future job searches. I realized that I could never give up on myself and my dreams. My success does not determine my worth. Most importantly, I had to make opportunities for myself. Your current full-time money making job might suck but don’t limit yourself to that primary source of opportunity. Use your current sucky job as a stepping stone for something better. Make a gradual plan to your dream job and reach out for outside opportunities to spruce up your resume and to gain more experience in the meantime. That’s what you call grinding.

My success does not determine my worth.

Tweet this.

Word of advice to ladies who are out there making it — share your struggles with others so that your fellow go-getters won’t feel alone. We need to know that this feeling won’t last forever.  That’s more encouraging than cheesy quotes and fantasy pictures. For the ladies who are still trying to make it—think smart, keep working, and don’t lose sight of yourself when your dreams begin to break your heart.

And yes — one of my dreams was to write this very article for this amazing organization. If I can do it, you can too.

Epiphany Ciers is a Houstonian tackling the world of fashion. From writing to creating content, Epiphany has her hands in everything. Though determined to make it in the fashion world, Epiphany also has a passion for encouraging and motivating women. Follow her on IG @epiphany.ciers as she navigates the fashion industry and explores the world around her. 

MORE FROM OUR BLOG

11 Words To Eliminate from Your Vocabulary ASAP

Photo credit: Smith House Photography

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Are you currently trying to lose weight, quit smoking, get more sleep or attain some other life-improvement goal? Do you find yourself saying any of these words to yourself? Which ones do you find yourself saying most often? What are you doing to counteract that negative effects? Have you noticed positive results from your positive thinking?

Here are 11 to eliminate from your vocab. Start with this weekend... see if it transfers into the week. 

Thank us later.

#11 BUSY 

Think you’re too busy to go to the gym or spend more time with your kids? Think again. If you tell yourself, ‘I’m too busy to do it because...’ you’ll always make yourself right, says author and personal development coach Noah St. John. “But you’re making excuses for yourself,” he says. “How much longer are you going to listen?” Figure out what your excuses are (like being too busy), and then start asking yourself the right kind of leading questions. Instead of “Why am I so busy?” ask yourself, “Why do I have so much time to do what I need to do?” St. John suggests. Even though you won’t feel like you have a lot of time at first, asking the question will lead your brain to seek the answer. The answer might be, “Because I have good time-management skills” or “Because I eliminated something nonessential from my schedule and replaced it with something more important.” Keep asking those types of “afformation questions,” and you’ll surprise yourself with the answers.

#10 NEVER 

The old adage “never say never” is especially true when it comes to meeting your goals because it’s a toxic word that will sabotage your progress. “When you are trying to lose weight, for example, if your automatic thoughts are saying, ‘I’m never going to reach to my goal weight,’ and those are the words circling in your head, it will be almost impossible to lose weight because you’ve already set yourself up for failure,” says clinical psychologist Kate Cummins. Sure, it may take you a while to reach your goal weight, quit smoking or reach whatever personal development goal you’ve set for yourself, but it will happen with patience and persistence. “Instead of focusing on this negative self-talk, remember to tell yourself positive things,” Cummins says. “Write loving notes to yourself on your mirror like, ‘Hey there, healthy and slender woman,’ or ‘You got this—keep up the good work!’”

#9 SHOULD 

“Saying ‘I should’ve gone for a run’ makes you feel guilty for not going on your run,” says life coach and author Belinda Anderson. “Instead, say ‘I intend to go for a run’ or ‘I choose not to go for a run today.’” The latter options are more empowering and give you back the decision-making authority. The word “should,” on the other hand, makes whatever task you feel like you should do seem tedious or undesirable. When you tell yourself that you’re choosing to do something—whether that’s going to the gym, quitting smoking, going to bed earlier or spending more of your time volunteering—your mind automatically reframes the task as something that you want to do, rather than something you’re forcing yourself to do. So replace “should” with words like “choose,” “intend,” “desire,” “want” or “could.”

#8 STUPID 

Just as you want to avoid calling yourself (or anyone else) a failure, you really should avoid negative adjectives in general. “The mind is a heat-seeking missile—it will move rapidly in the direction you point it,” says personal and career coach Beverly Flaxington. “If your thoughts and beliefs are constantly negative, then failure is what you’ll get. You want to think, self-talk and out-loud talk only about what you want. Drop the negative viewpoints entirely. They are destructive.” So if you find yourself fixating on what you perceive as your negative aspects, choose to intentionally turn your thoughts around to focus on your strengths and abilities. Instead of saying, “I haven’t quit smoking yet; I’m so stupid,” tell yourself, “I am strong for making the decision to quit smoking.”

#7 TOMORROW 

If you keep pushing things off until some distant tomorrow, you’ll never get them done. The common trap is to say, “Oh well, I didn’t eat well today, so my diet starts tomorrow.” But that allows you to keep delaying and to never really start. Instead, pick a concrete and realistic start date and stick to it. “Keep yourself accountable. If you don’t do it tomorrow, when will you do it?” says author and personal development coach Noah St. John. More than just a start date, though, you need to have a reason to keep you motivated. “You need to have a ‘why to,’ not just a ‘how to,’” says St. John. So whether that’s losing weight to lower your blood pressure and risk of diabetes or to quit smoking so you can set a good example for your kids or get fit so you can feel great in your bathing suit next summer, pick a reason and remind yourself of it daily.

#6 LUCKY 

Sure, some days you might feel lucky—and that’s great! But you should never use luck as an excuse for why you can’t do something or to discredit someone else’s accomplishments by saying they’re lucky. “There is such a thing as luck,” says author and personal development coach Noah St. John, “but you need to marry luck with hard work.” A quote (erroneously attributed to Thomas Jefferson) states, “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.” St. John also warns against the temptation to compare your life to the lives of people you follow on social media. So while you’re envying someone’s abs or arms, don’t tell yourself that they’re just lucky, remind yourself that they had to work hard to achieve the body they have and that if you work hard, you can achieve your goals as well.

#5 FAILURE 

Calling yourself a failure is a surefire way to ensure that you fail in whatever you do. In that sense, you are your own self-fulfilling prophecy. “You want to be the most positive coach to yourself that you can possibly be,” says Kate Cummins, Los Angeles-based licensed clinical psychologist. “So by doing that you take ‘I’m no good’ and change it into ‘I am good, and I’m going to do this’; or ‘I’m a failure’ into ‘I have failed in the past, but I have also won, and I will win this time.’” But, at the same time, you don’t want to lie to yourself. “Make sure you leave room for disappointment,” Cummins says. “If your expectations are perfection, you are setting yourself up for failure. Forgive yourself, be patient with change and give yourself room to grow.”

#4 CAN'T/WON'T

Saying things like “I can’t eat that pizza” and “I won’t lose weight if I don’t work out” is actually working against you. “When you are trying to make change happen, stay away from negative language,” says personal and career coach Beverly Flaxington. “It is important to fill the mind with the positive ‘what do you want’ ideas and not confuse it with negative terms. The mind will drop the ‘can’t’ or ‘won’t’ and will focus on what you do not want to do.” Plus, many times those can’t and won’t statements simply aren’t true. Instead, focus on what you can and will do. Tell yourself things like “I can have one cheat meal a week,” “I have plenty of healthy and delicious snacks to keep me full” or “I will lose weight because I’m sticking to my workout routine.” The one exception to this, of course, is actual physical limitations. If you truly can’t eat something because of food sensitivities or do something in the gym because of an injury or physical handicap, your mind may naturally remind you as a protection mechanism. Still, it’s important to focus on what you can do instead of what you can’t.

#3 TOO MUCH/NOT ENOUGH 

It’s easy to think that we’re either too much of the wrong thing or not enough of the right thing. But that just reinforces the embedded presupposition factor of the brain, says Noah St. John, author of “Book of Afformations” and founder of SuccessClinic.com. “If you ask yourself, ‘Why am I not enough?’ your brain naturally starts to search for the answer, acting like a computer or Internet search. You find whatever you’re searching for.” Rather than presupposing you’re not good enough, St. John recommends “afformations” (no, that’s not a typo), which reframe your questions to lead your mind to search for better answers and avoid the endless repetition of the commonly prescribed “affirmations.” In this case, try asking yourself “Why am I enough?” You’ll set your brain on the right path and you’ll be delightfully surprised with what your mind can come up with. To paraphrase Henry Ford: “Whether you think you’re wrong or you’re right, you are.”

#2 JUST/ONLY

How many times have you caught yourself saying, “I only ran three miles today,” or “I'm just emailing you to let you know...” or “I just did a yoga DVD” (as opposed to an intense gym session)? It’s time to put a stop to that. “Avoid thinking of any day as test of your character,” says Emily Balcetis, associate professor of psychology at New York University. “Whether you run three miles or only three blocks, today is not a statement about you as a person.” Instead, take every day as a chance to progress a little bit further. “People who approach challenges and goals with a growth mindset rather than as a test of their fixed nature don’t see setbacks as failures but as opportunities to develop skills and learn better habits,” she says. So even if you didn’t run as far as you wanted to on a given day, tell yourself that, regardless of how many miles you logged, any run is better than no run and that you were able to make time in your busy schedule to do something good for yourself.

#1 FAT/UGLY 

Women may be notoriously guilty of saying, “I look fat today,” and it’s human nature to be self-deprecating. But in order to form a better (not to mention more accurate) self-image, it’s important to get rid of negative adjectives. “You don’t want to associate with negative terms,” says Beverly Flaxington, author of “Self-Talk for a Calmer You" and The Human Behavior Coach. “Catch yourself using self-defeating talk and make a conscious choice to change the talk. Instead of ‘fat’ you are ‘getting healthier,’ instead of ‘ugly’ you are ‘beautiful in my own way.’ You may not believe these things if you use overly positive language, so I advocate for using something more neutral to replace negative terms.”

What words do you say instead? Share your thoughts, questions and suggestions in the comments section below.

The original version of this post appeared on LIVESTRONG.com

MORE FROM OUR BLOG

How To Meditate At Work When It All Becomes Too Much

We've all felt stressed the F out at work, and that's probably never going to change—sorry. But rather than sulking into your anxious state of mind, why not try and get your zen on like all of the wellness bloggers you follow? Believe it or not, you can get in your zone at work and not feel like the workday took you down. Here's how to chill and stay chill at work when your inbox looks like it's at a million. 

Practice Breathing Exercises 

As basic as breathing exercises may sound, they're a huge help when it comes to relieving stress. Taking deep breaths slows down your heart rate and helps reduce the sense of anxiety. Getting your stress under control is one way to improve your health, and breathing exercises can help get you there. Hillary Clinton even used alternate nostril breathing as a way to cope with getting through the 2016 election. Hey, if it’s good enough for a presidential candidate, it’s good enough for us.

Plug In Your Headphones

It’s obviously not chill to blast any audio from your work computer, especially if you don’t have your own office. For us desk babes, headphones are heaven sent when it comes to meditating.  When you get to squeeze in some downtime, take advantage of pre-recorded meditation sessions from YouTube and some binaural beats. You’ll get in a meditation session at your desk or zone out to some chill tunes without anyone around you getting disturbed.

Download An App 

Stepping out for lunch today? Download a meditation app such as Head Space or Calm and get your moment of zen. These guided meditations are right in the palm of your hand and are great for the times you’re able to get outside and catch some fresh air. Look out for meditations that help kickstart your creative juices and productivity so that you can kill the rest of the workday. The best part about these is that they’re usually short, and you won’t face the guilt of being away from your desk for too long.

Try Team Meditation

Get your fellow boss ladies (and guys!) involved in your meditation. It’s honestly something we can all benefit from and will help everyone get their work done more effectively. Book the biggest conference room you can find, preferably in the middle of the workday, and play a guided meditation out loud for you all to follow. If you live in a larger city, there are plenty of meditating professionals who work with companies all of the time. Grab an expert to come along and show you and your coworkers the best way to stay balanced and refreshed in your office.

By: Andrea Navarro

 

MORE FROM OUR BLOG