3 Ways We Can Stop Professionally Ghosting Each Other
Let’s talk about it.
Photo: ColorJoy Stock
Several years ago, I was interviewing for a role at one of the top beauty companies in the world. I went through rounds of interviews and met key members of the cross-functional and senior leadership teams on multiple occasions at their offices.
In my very last conversation, the head of HR called me on a Friday to say, “The team loved you. We would like to put together an offer for you. Can you please remind me of your current compensation package and specifically your stock grant component?”
I was thrilled. I immediately provided the details. She thanked me for my time. She said she would call me first thing Monday morning with the offer details.
She didn’t call me first thing Monday morning. She didn’t call me later that afternoon, or later that week, or the Monday after that. She never called me again.
I followed up a few times. Maybe she’s just busy. Maybe something happened to her (Oh god, I hope she’s ok!). Maybe she lost my contact information. And then I realized I had invested my time and effort into a process that would never receive any closure: I was a victim of ghosting. I had been ghosted. She would never reach out to me again.
Since then, I have been ghosted more times than I can remember in my career. And the hard truth is, I have also ghosted people. I, too, have been the ghoster.
What is ghosting? Ghosting is to completely stop responding over text, email, or phone (insert your preferred mode of communication here) after having been responsive and in touch with someone over a distinct period of time for a specific business objective.
The business objectives during which the ghosting occurs can be a wide variety, including being in the process of prospecting a new client, interviewing for a job, raising funds for a non-profit event, a promised introduction to another industry contact, or seeking investors for a new venture.
Please note: Ghosting does not include cold emailing, cold calling, or cold LinkedIn messaging. If the person doesn’t know you, they don’t actually owe you a response. It’s not considered ghosting. Unless you call me Rita instead of Mita, I try to respond when someone reaches out to me even if I don’t know them.
So why have I ghosted people?
Because I was uncomfortable with the request, because I didn’t have time, because I could no longer deliver on what I had promised. Because I had said yes when I should have said no. Because I am working, teaching, and parenting (all during a pandemic). Because I was scared to respond with the truth and I didn’t want to hurt them.
If we acknowledge what’s holding us back from engaging and push through to respond, we show up as the leaders we want to be, acting with kindness and empathy. Here are three ways we can stop ghosting once and for all.
1. Be Timely
To avoid potential ghosting, I try to respond to people within 72 hours (during a pandemic, it might be closer to a week) when they reach back out with a quick one-liner: Thanks for checking in. It’s a busy time. Please reach back out in two weeks.
The ghosting can begin when you simply don’t have an answer for that person yet. You might not know what your response should be. You might have a response and realize it should be a phone call or a longer email.
If I don’t respond because I don’t have a response yet, and too much time passes, I am slipping into ghosting territory.
2. Be Honest and Transparent
No one wants to deliver bad news. And what’s worse than bad news is no closure, obsessively refreshing your inbox and checking your phone incessantly. We are living in limbo during this pandemic; there’s no need to add any more uncertainty or stress on each other.
When I think back to the offer I never received on that Monday morning, how would I have handled it as the head of HR? A simple email would have sufficed: “We have decided to move ahead with another candidate. We wish you the best of luck in your career endeavors.”
Any additional insight would have been appreciated given the amount of time I spent interviewing (i.e. not aligning on salary expectations or looking for someone with more technical experience). I would have been upset, but the ghosting was far worse. I was left with an incredibly negative impression of the company that I didn’t hesitate to share with others in my network.
Unfortunately, budgets were cut and we can’t proceed with the proposal.
Unfortunately, we have a hiring freeze now and the role is no longer open.
Unfortunately, we don’t believe this is the right fit for us and we won’t be proceeding with the partnership.
We all are owed the respect of closure. We would want it for ourselves. And we have the power to give closure to others.
3. Be Clear on What You Can and Can’t Commit To
Recently, I was asked by two individuals if I could mentor them. While I wanted to say yes, I knew I couldn’t give them the time they deserved. If I did say yes to avoid saying no, I would eventually not have time to mentor them and ultimately ghost them.
And while I hesitated to respond to their requests with the truth, I knew if I ghosted them I would risk damaging these relationships. So I told them I was humbled they thought of me and with a new job and raising young kids in this pandemic, I just couldn’t commit right now. Each individual responded saying they understood and looked forward to keeping in touch.
Please don’t say yes when you mean to say no. Please be clear on what you can and cannot commit to. And if you committed to something and can no longer deliver on what you agreed to, just speak up. Let individuals know your circumstances have changed. While they may be disappointed, they will appreciate your honesty and respect you for being accountable and for not disappearing on them, never to be heard from again.
“If we acknowledge what’s holding us back from engaging and push through to respond, we show up as the leaders we want to be, acting with kindness and empathy.”
—Mita Mallick, Head of Inclusion, Equity, and Impact at Carta
About the Author: Mita Mallick is a corporate change-maker with a track record of transforming businesses and cultures. She is the head of inclusion, equity, and impact at Carta. Mallick is a columnist for Entrepreneur, and her writing has been published in outlets including Harvard Business Review, The New York Post, and Business Insider.
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MORE ON THE BLOG
Boo Freakin' Hoo: What to Do If You're Being Professionally Ghosted
Scary stuff out there.
Ghosting is the worst. Like, hello, it's me. But where did you go? I've emailed 47 times, called, left you 12 voicemails, DM'd, Snapchatted, written a thank you note, and sent a MF'ing carrier pigeon with macaroons.
You call me a stalker, I call it being thorough. The collective "they" told me, in the working world it's important to follow up. It shows tenacity. It shows that you're willing to go the extra mile!
But it's also important to recognize when it's simply not working. The above may be an exaggeration, but professional ghosting happens and it's more difficult to navigate than relationship ghosting. Especially if you have to see the person who is ignoring you in the workplace. Water. Cooler. Awkward.
Here are four common and rather uncomfortable PG (professional ghosting) scenarios and how to handle them. Because while everyone loves a macaroon, it might make you look like a macaloon.
YOU HAD A BOMB.COM INTERVIEW, FOLLOWED UP, & NEVER HEARD BACK
This one is pretty simple and the closest to relationship ghosting as it gets. What do you do? Move on. Accept that it wasn't the right fit and focus your efforts elsewhere. What you may have thought was the perfect job for you, there are countless reasons that it wasn't. (At least according to your not-future employer.)
While it's frustrating and can make you a little blue in the ankle boots, the right opportunity is somewhere else.
Keep the email and the contact in case you have reason to reach out in the future, and go sew your wild working oats elsewhere.
YOU PITCHED YOUR BOSS A FAB IDEA, FOLLOWED UP, & SHE'S STILL IGNORING IT
Knowing when to push an idea harder with your boss is a very tricky, gray area. It depends on your relationship, how she likes to be approached,
There's a possibility she simply forgot and your follow-up got buried under a pile of pressing to-dos. There's also the chance that she hated it, dismissed it, and has already moved on.
First, ask yourself if it really, is the great idea it is in your head. We can get a little blinded by our egos and attached to ideas that aren't working. If you still think it's top-notch, run it by a colleague you trust. If they think it's great, pop by your bosses office and ask if they have 30 seconds. For the third attempt, an in-person F/U is the best.
That way you can really gauge their reaction. An email is easy to ignore. Plus it shows a boldness and drive that will be appreciated, even if the idea is not.
If your colleague is less enthusiastic than you expected, move on, and wow your boss with the next 10 ideas.
SOMEONE REGRAMS A PHOTO, DOESN'T CREDIT YOU, & DOESN'T RESPOND TO YOUR REQUEST FOR CREDIT
Creative professional deserve credit for their work, and if someone isn't polite enough to tag you or respond to two requests (make the first one polite, the second can be a little more stern), report the photo. Sometimes it's a simple mistake or a busy Social Director who overlooks the tag.
Make it Instagram's problem. Because while it feels a bit like tattling, it's even more childish of a company or person to refuse credit. You work hard and deserve the tag.
YOU'VE REACHED OUT TO A FRIEND/COLLEAGUE/
FORMER BOSS FOR AN INTRO OR RECOMMENDATION AND... CRICKETS
Using key contacts to crack open closed doors is part of the circle of working. And even though it can be really uncomfortable asking for professional favors, we all do it. However, it is quite possibly one of the worst feelings when you ask for a favor and you get straight ignored-- especially when you're asking a friend.
Here's how to handle by contact and situation:
- Asking a close friend for a contact or recommendation: follow up with texts, calls, Facetime. Snapchats, show up on their doorstep with dinner. Close friends are fine with your crazy. Plus, if you land a job you can buy them all the wine.
- Asking a friendly acquaintance for a contact or recommendation: follow up once, say how much you'd appreciate it, and if they don't respond, try to find another way in. Some contacts are awkward to give out, and it's easier for people to ignore you than say no. But you need to accept that just because you ask, that doesn't give you a right to their Roladex.
- Asking a former colleague or boss for a contact or recommendation: email first and ask if you can steal three minutes of their time on a call. In most instances you should avoid texting-- unless you were close and consider them a friend, in which case, see above. But if your relationship was strictly professional, keep it that way, and make the request formal. Say that the request is time sensitive, and if you don't get a rather quick response that reasonably meets your deadline, there's your answer. Don't stress over one contact. Redirect that energy into finding someone different to ask. You might get a courtesy email down the line, saying something like, "I just saw this, sorry I couldn't be more helpful." IF, they can still be helpful, here's your chance to hook them. If it really is too late, send a polite reply. You never want to burn a professional bridge because of a personal resentment.
Arianna Schioldager is Create & Cultivate's editor-at-large. You can find her on IG @ariannawrotethis and more about her at www.ariannawrotethis.com