“I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” Those were the words I heard on November 28, 2020, at just between 31 and 32 weeks pregnant, and after what I was continuously told was a “textbook” pregnancy. Nothing can ever prepare you to hear that as an expectant parent, someone who is so excited to soon meet their child. That day was the start of my life changing completely, and turning grief into purpose was what helped me push forward.
Aaliyah Denise arrived into this world looking like any other baby that was just delivered, perfect and with a mass of curly black hair. We were given no reason for her passing except being told by staff that “sometimes babies just die.” These words are heard too often for families in The United States and I didn’t realize this until I experienced it for myself. To be exact, about 23,000 families experience a stillbirth a year. The truth is, the truth isn’t being spoken about. Those stillbirth numbers are pretty shocking, right?
I can’t tell you what else was happening that day in November, to the day I left the hospital the afternoon of December 1. What I do remember was being immediately thrown into a public battle with my employer about paid family leave, and their nonexistent definition of “birth of a child.”
The law, at that time, did not explicitly state that paid family leave did not include the healing of a woman’s body after birth. My then employer made a choice to read the law as if it was for bonding only. I refused to accept that my employer could create the definition of “birth of a child” when there was no clear definition, and when other city agencies chose to provide the leave after stillbirth cases like mine.
I fought back and it went as far as making it on the national news after an Instagram photo of me & Aaliyah went viral. This led the DC Council to pass an Emergency Bereavement Bill, granting parents of stillbirth 10 days paid leave. Which, for many not in this position may sound like a win. However, my argument was never about time to grieve the death of my daughter. It's always been about the time it takes a woman’s body to heal after birth, whether or not the birth is live.
Winning that battle wasn’t enough as that wouldn’t bring Aaliyah back. Waking up every day and grieving her death was my norm. I decided to join Facebook groups, specifically for mothers who have experienced loss, and that allowed me to hear people's stories and the horror in this country as it relates to the treatment of birthing people after stillbirth. Whether it’s hospitals with staff that are not adequately trained to deal with loss, the misunderstanding others seem to have of “yes, I still delivered my baby,” or the differences in family and cultural understandings after a loss like this, it’s overall tough. It’s hard to manage the outside world when on the inside you feel like giving up.
I knew I needed to do something for the mothers I connected with, and also to create a strong legacy for my Aaliyah. Turning grief into purpose, Aaliyah in Action was born.
From my experience, tangible bereavement support was minimal or nonexistent. Some hospitals, if you’re lucky, provide you with a memory box for your baby. We love to talk about “self-care” in society, yet I found very little of it in this pregnancy and infant loss space. I decided to take all of the parenting I was saving up, and pour it into Aaliyah in Action.
Our nonprofit supports women, birthing people, and families after they have experienced perinatal, neonatal, or infant loss, by providing self-care packages and support books that’ll help them start their grief journey. The packages are distributed to hospitals and those who request them, to provide immediate, tangible, and bereavement support. A box includes small items such as fuzzy socks, aromatherapy shower steamers, and candles. For what I call a “griefy” day, this is a small gesture to make one comfortable during their stay in the hospital, post birth. Packages also come with a support book for the birthing person, and support books for partners and living children if appropriate.
Pregnancy and infant loss can make you feel so alone. But the reality is you’re far from alone. My love for Aaliyah and the passion behind this organization will elevate Aaliyah in Action to be a standard bereavement response after pregnancy or infant loss. Through continued hospital partnerships nationwide, I hope to reach as many women and birthing people as I can-the immediate response is key when starting the grief journey.
Aaliyah in Action is also supporting small, local, women and black-owned businesses. We are proud to purchase items and support books directly from the vendors. Not only are we proud to help families in need, but we are able to help small businesses too.
If we haven’t experienced it ourselves, we all know someone who has experienced the trauma of a pregnancy or infant loss. I see the work that Aaliyah is doing every single day in the emails I receive, phone calls, DM connections, and relationships I’ve been making since becoming an advocate. Our goal as an organization has always been to connect on a deeper level with those we provide for, and those who support our mission.
About the Author: Elizabeth O’Donnell, or Aaliyah’s Mom as she prefers, is the Founder & CEO of the nonprofit Aaliyah in Action. She is a fierce stillbirth advocate helping people navigate loss through Aaliyah in Action, and working toward ending preventable stillbirth with PUSH for Empowered Pregnancy as their Co-Director of Communications.