Turning Grief Into Purpose With Aaliyah In Action Founder Elizabeth O'Donnell
“I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” Those were the words I heard on November 28, 2020, at just between 31 and 32 weeks pregnant, and after what I was continuously told was a “textbook” pregnancy. Nothing can ever prepare you to hear that as an expectant parent, someone who is so excited to soon meet their child. That day was the start of my life changing completely, and turning grief into purpose was what helped me push forward.
Aaliyah Denise arrived into this world looking like any other baby that was just delivered, perfect and with a mass of curly black hair. We were given no reason for her passing except being told by staff that “sometimes babies just die.” These words are heard too often for families in The United States and I didn’t realize this until I experienced it for myself. To be exact, about 23,000 families experience a stillbirth a year. The truth is, the truth isn’t being spoken about. Those stillbirth numbers are pretty shocking, right?
I can’t tell you what else was happening that day in November, to the day I left the hospital the afternoon of December 1. What I do remember was being immediately thrown into a public battle with my employer about paid family leave, and their nonexistent definition of “birth of a child.”
The law, at that time, did not explicitly state that paid family leave did not include the healing of a woman’s body after birth. My then employer made a choice to read the law as if it was for bonding only. I refused to accept that my employer could create the definition of “birth of a child” when there was no clear definition, and when other city agencies chose to provide the leave after stillbirth cases like mine.
I fought back and it went as far as making it on the national news after an Instagram photo of me & Aaliyah went viral. This led the DC Council to pass an Emergency Bereavement Bill, granting parents of stillbirth 10 days paid leave. Which, for many not in this position may sound like a win. However, my argument was never about time to grieve the death of my daughter. It's always been about the time it takes a woman’s body to heal after birth, whether or not the birth is live.
Winning that battle wasn’t enough as that wouldn’t bring Aaliyah back. Waking up every day and grieving her death was my norm. I decided to join Facebook groups, specifically for mothers who have experienced loss, and that allowed me to hear people's stories and the horror in this country as it relates to the treatment of birthing people after stillbirth. Whether it’s hospitals with staff that are not adequately trained to deal with loss, the misunderstanding others seem to have of “yes, I still delivered my baby,” or the differences in family and cultural understandings after a loss like this, it’s overall tough. It’s hard to manage the outside world when on the inside you feel like giving up.
I knew I needed to do something for the mothers I connected with, and also to create a strong legacy for my Aaliyah. Turning grief into purpose, Aaliyah in Action was born.
From my experience, tangible bereavement support was minimal or nonexistent. Some hospitals, if you’re lucky, provide you with a memory box for your baby. We love to talk about “self-care” in society, yet I found very little of it in this pregnancy and infant loss space. I decided to take all of the parenting I was saving up, and pour it into Aaliyah in Action.
Our nonprofit supports women, birthing people, and families after they have experienced perinatal, neonatal, or infant loss, by providing self-care packages and support books that’ll help them start their grief journey. The packages are distributed to hospitals and those who request them, to provide immediate, tangible, and bereavement support. A box includes small items such as fuzzy socks, aromatherapy shower steamers, and candles. For what I call a “griefy” day, this is a small gesture to make one comfortable during their stay in the hospital, post birth. Packages also come with a support book for the birthing person, and support books for partners and living children if appropriate.
Pregnancy and infant loss can make you feel so alone. But the reality is you’re far from alone. My love for Aaliyah and the passion behind this organization will elevate Aaliyah in Action to be a standard bereavement response after pregnancy or infant loss. Through continued hospital partnerships nationwide, I hope to reach as many women and birthing people as I can-the immediate response is key when starting the grief journey.
Aaliyah in Action is also supporting small, local, women and black-owned businesses. We are proud to purchase items and support books directly from the vendors. Not only are we proud to help families in need, but we are able to help small businesses too.
If we haven’t experienced it ourselves, we all know someone who has experienced the trauma of a pregnancy or infant loss. I see the work that Aaliyah is doing every single day in the emails I receive, phone calls, DM connections, and relationships I’ve been making since becoming an advocate. Our goal as an organization has always been to connect on a deeper level with those we provide for, and those who support our mission.
About the Author: Elizabeth O’Donnell, or Aaliyah’s Mom as she prefers, is the Founder & CEO of the nonprofit Aaliyah in Action. She is a fierce stillbirth advocate helping people navigate loss through Aaliyah in Action, and working toward ending preventable stillbirth with PUSH for Empowered Pregnancy as their Co-Director of Communications.
4 Things I Do Every Sunday to Mentally Prepare for the Week Ahead (COVID-19 Edition)
Put self-care on your to-do list.
Photo: The Lazy Artist Gallery for Pexels
Now that we’re on week six of social distancing and working from home, it’s getting harder to recognize the distinction between weekdays and weekends. Between working, parenting, homeschooling your children, reading the news to stay informed, cooking three meals a day, and trying to keep everyone in your family healthy, the mental load can get overwhelming. In a recent article published in The Atlantic, author Helen Lewis brings up a valid consideration: “one of the most striking effects of the coronavirus will be to send many couples back to the 1950s. Across the world, women’s independence will be a silent victim of the pandemic.”
With school closures and social distancing, the work of childcare is moving from nannies, daycares, and schools back to parents. In many cases, the responsibility will fall on mothers. Every family manages child care differently. Whether working parents alternate work and child care “shifts” or if they make the difficult decision of having the majority of one task fall on one parent, it can often feel impossible managing work and family responsibilities. This pandemic will pass, although with long-lasting consequences. In the meantime, how do we approach our mental health and manage the new structure of our everyday lives while still achieving our goals?
As a mother of two toddlers and a month- old newborn and a small business owner, I have found that doing four particular things on Sunday helps me mentally prepare for the week ahead and infuse a sense of normalcy into my days. Of course, it will take more than a Sunday ritual to handle the emotional effects of a global pandemic. But this is where I’m starting.
Step 1: Clean up your space, including your work area
Since many of us are working from home now, your desk could be anything from your couch to your dining room table. Wherever you decide to work, take a half hour to clean up the area. If I’m surrounded by stacks of random papers, unopened mail, or Legos that seem to permeate every corner of my house, it’s really hard for me to focus and start working with a clear mind. I still don’t quite understand how these piles of clutter show up consistently despite constantly tidying up. Nonetheless, I am determined to eliminate them.
Clutter isn’t just aesthetically displeasing. It can also affect your productivity. A study at Princeton University observed that clutter can lead to more difficulty focusing on a single task because various stimuli compete for neural representation. This ultimately makes it harder to pay attention and focus on completing tasks.
While you’re tidying up, do a once-over of your home and see what else you can put away in the time you allot for cleaning. Put away folded laundry, empty the dishwasher, wipe down kitchen counters and anything else you have been putting off. Although minor changes, your future self will thank you come Monday morning when you can sit at your desk and start working in a peaceful environment.
Step 2: Take half an hour to sit down and think about how you want the next five days to go.
Mentally preparing for the week ahead starts with taking care of yourself. Take five minutes to write down all the tasks floating through your mind in a notebook or planner. Relieve your mind of the burden of keeping it all in your head. That includes ordering produce, finding another pair of sneakers for your daughter, breaking down major work projects into manageable tasks, or anything else on your mind. Schedule your virtual barre class now. Plan to connect with one to two people from your network just to check in.
Also, consider blocking out work time. If you have a project deadline coming up on Friday, block out time on Tuesday to complete it. Physically create a calendar meeting and invite yourself. This will give you a sense of fulfillment and plenty of time to edit/submit it in advance without the stress of procrastinating and being up all night.
Look at your calendar and observe your schedule as a whole. Do you have seven Zoom meetings scheduled on Monday back to back? Think about what you can adjust or move around so your week is more evenly distributed. Can any of your meetings be converted to an email? The answer is usually yes. One Zoom meeting you may want to keep on your calendar—virtual wine night with a friend. That one feels essential to me.
Step 3: Take a long hot shower and go through your skincare routine
With a newborn and two small children at home, long showers and drawn out skincare routines are a luxury that I do not take for granted. I know the week will be packed with activities, deadlines, zoom calls and I will not have the time to go through a multi-step skincare process. On Sunday evenings after my kids are sleeping, a long hot shower is the metaphorical reset button I need to start fresh and enter the new week with an open mind and positive intentions.
It’s nothing groundbreaking but it’s time I carve out in the day to prioritize my well-being. This is a good time to deep condition your hair, do a scalp treatment, put on a face mask and truly take your time. Take a selfie and send it to a friend to encourage her to do the same. With everything going on, I haven’t found much time to do my makeup or style my hair but taking this time to take care of myself has become a positive part of my quarantine routine.
End your moment of solitude with a look through your closet to plan out your outfit for Monday morning. Whether it’s sweatpants or a spring dress you can wear around the house, laying out your clothes the night before will help you feel prepared for the week ahead by eliminating morning tasks that take up decision-making energy. Planning what I can on Sunday night lets me get in some extra sleep time the next morning and gets things started on a calm note, even if getting dressed involves changing from one pair of sweatpants to another.
Step 4: End your Sunday with an activity that brings you peace
For me, that activity is reading. I try to have everything done by 10 pm so I can go to bed and relax with my favorite book. It doesn’t always happen but when it does, I feel the effects both physically and mentally. One of my favorite joys in life is climbing into a bed with fresh sheets, ready to read and subsequently fall asleep on my book.
Going to bed early will also help you avoid pressing the snooze button incessantly in the morning. All these things together will help create a situation in which you are set up for success at the beginning of a busy week. Staying up late and constantly pressing the snooze button is problematic because it starts the day with an innate sense of failure. You knew you should have gotten up earlier but you didn’t, creating a negative feeling in the morning and a downstream effect for the remainder of the day.
Another activity that can help bring a sense of peace? Lying in bed and doing nothing. Taking the time to simply think about your day (without a screen), is not something we do often but the benefits are long-lasting. Think about what you would really like to accomplish during the upcoming week. What will give you a sense of satisfaction amongst uncertain times? What went really well last week? What do you want to do differently this week? As you’re taking care of everyone around you, what can you do to prioritize your own mental well-being?
About The Author: Tanya Kertsman is a freelance writer covering clean beauty, fashion, and wellness. She has an affinity for slip dresses, a fresh magazine, and booking last minute travel adventures, all equally enticing. Until recently, she worked as a Pharmacist in the Pharmaceutical Industry in Medical Affairs Strategy. Tanya lives in Philadelphia with her husband and three kids under five. When not in front of a computer, you can find her enjoying board games significantly more than her kids do, reading one of many half-read books scattered around her home and scoping out concerts in Philadelphia. You can find her at littleblankdiaries.com or on Instagram @littleblankdiaries.
What do you do on Sunday night to mentally prepare for the week? Add to the list in the comments!
How to Live Life On Your Own Terms
You only got one shot.
What do you want?
Four simple words. One big question.
The kind of question that’s on our minds a lot—especially as we get older. What do we want from our careers? What do we want from our friends? What do we want from ourselves?
How do we take the steps to live life on our own terms? Because between work and work it can often feel as though we have no time for ourselves. In fact, Gallup reported that the well-being of Americans was on the decline in 2017.
So we’re chatting through some ways to live the life you want.
LET GO OF PERFECT AND JUST GO FOR IT
There’s no such thing as perfect, so why do you keep striving for the unattainable (and unrealistic and unhealthy) goal? You have strengths. You have dreams. Don’t let perfect stand in your way.
STOP CRUSHING ON CRUSHING IT
We gotta talk. We know you want to be the best and crush it at your job, your relationship, your friendships, but it’s too much. You can’t be all things to all people all the time and maintain time for your sanity.
The allure and romanticized version of having-it-all is nothing like the real thing. So, do us a favor, stop trying to crush it and just do it.
LET YOUR HAIR DOWN (OR UP)
Your hair has a lot to say. It goes wild at times. Other times it’s a bit tamer. It makes sense, your hair is an extension of you. And you can’t deny that a great hair day can flip that frown right-side up. Move freely. Show shine. As a side note: Sounds like a pretty amazing life motto.
FORGET GOAL LISTS
Go with your gut. Not your goals. Even if this feels counter-intuitive, you need to give yourself breaks from those #goals lists and realize that you already are #goals. In the words of the queen T: “I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.”
So what do you say? Are you ready to live life on your own terms and let that hair down?
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Why There’s No Expiration Date on Success
Jaclyn Johnson for SK-II
You don’t have to be an overnight success to be successful. It’s a mantra I repeat to myself often. It’s likely one you’ve heard before too. (The good ones tend to stick around.) And yet, we all feel the churn and burn, the need to sprint toward success to meet society’s artificial deadlines, and the constant need to outdo ourselves.
It’s something the women in the SK-II film, The Expiry Date understand. From birth, they feel the pressure to achieve certain things by a certain age. Degrees. Prizes. Marriage. Children. Promotions. That constant struggle for women to “have it all” on society’s timeline.
SK-II launched #INeverExpire, a global campaign that continues to raise awareness of the age-related pressures women face every day. The campaign encourages women to define their own destinies through challenging societal norms.
As the founder and CEO of Create & Cultivate, I’ve felt these pressures so many times. Become a badass boss lady with a meaningful company, meet someone, get married, buy a home with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids plus a puppy...and all by the age of 30. Not only does that timeline put an insane amount of pressure on you, it’s also completely unrealistic! Needless to say, that was not the timeline for me. I love creating experiences that are unique and thoughtful, brainstorming purposeful content, and bringing together creative, entrepreneurial women for real conversations, so creating a company that would enable me to do just that was my focus in my twenties.
Saying “yes” to my career often meant saying “no” to my personal life – or at least meeting those marriage, children, home, pet, insert whatever-pressure-you’re-feeling-here milestones before turning an arbitrary age. Instead, I got married when it came around naturally and felt right to me, and if my husband and I expand our family, that will come when it feels right for us, too – not because it’s what we’re “supposed” to do at this age. And I’m nowhere near done with Create & Cultivate – this is just the beginning for us.
"You should never let others put an expiration date on you. #INeverExpire"
I’m creating my own timeline that allows me to have the life I dream of, for myself and on my own terms. But that’s what the idea of #INeverExpire is all about. You should never let others put an expiration date on you. More importantly, I would add, you should never put an expiration date on yourself.
When you look around it’s easy to play the compare and despair game – especially on social. But you’re more than the lists you’ve landed – or not landed – on, and you’re more than the house you have – or don’t have. The list goes on and on. You can have success at any age, and what success means to everyone is different. You alone are able to define your own timeline.
So tell me, what pressures have you felt to subscribe to society’s predetermined timelines and how do you rise above?
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Tips and Tricks to Avoid ALLERGY FACE®
Because spring is just beginning.
This post is sponsored by ZYRTEC®
Watery eyes, red nose and puffiness… the dreaded beauty challenges that often come with seasonal allergies. Or, as ZYRTEC® coined it: ALLERGY FACE®!
It’s not a good look.
But what happens when you’re prone to the dreaded ALLERGY FACE® and you have to show up at *gasp* an outdoor event?
It’s an allergy-prone woman’s nightmare. Especially for those of us at Create & Cultivate – Half of our events are outdoors. And if you’re anything like our founder, and CEO, whose allergies can run amuck during the Spring, you know how stressful it can be to keep allergies at bay. Not anymore!
Here are some tips and tricks for making sure you can face the world (and outdoor events) this spring.
Spring into action
Did you know there are only 92 days of the spring season? Which means, when you need relief, you need it fast. If you know you’re heading to an outdoor event where your allergies are likely to act up (i.e. cue the puffiness and watery eyes) you should absolutely prepare in advance.
“The last thing I need when I’m on stage is to be sneezing or have puffiness. I make sure to take ZYRTEC® the week leading up to any event. It’s a product that starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day, which is an absolute must to prep for any last minute snafooz or sneezes,” shares C&C founder Jaclyn Johnson. “In addition, following some of my favorite beauty tips for combatting ALLERGY FACE® helps me look amazing so I can put my best face forward at any outdoor events this spring!”
ALLERGY FACE® See Ya Later
Go ahead and stop and smell the roses because celebrity makeup artist Jamie Greenberg offered a few beauty tricks and tips for dealing with allergy-related beauty challenges. (Uh-huh that puffiness and red nose we mentioned. You’re not Rudolph after all. Cute as he may be.)
To combat a red nose, Jamie says, “Use a green-tinted concealer to help cancel out redness. Apply a full-coverage foundation all over the face followed by a translucent powder to help set the foundation and keep it lasting.”
If watery eyes are your issue, the makeup artist, who works with celebs like Jordana Brewster, advises that, “A bold, glossy lip is a great way to distract from watery eyes, especially when you don’t feel like wearing a lot of makeup.”
Also, a cooling moisturizer can help rid your face of puffiness. When you’re back at home, don’t use something that can make it worse. “Make sure makeup removing wipes are marked gentle and for sensitive skin or you’ll run the risk of worsening redness from ALLERGY FACE®,” shares Jamie.
However you swing it, spring is coming. So it’s best to prepare!
Do you have allergies? Sound off in the comments below on what beauty tips you follow to combat ALLERGY FACE®
