Want to Land Your Dream Job? 3 Tips to Get You Closer to Your Career Sweet Spot

Photo: Color Joy Stock

I’ve been helping students, peers, and friends figure out their education and career journeys for nearly fifteen years. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve learned a great deal about how to craft my own destiny since entering the workforce, despite what at times has felt like I’ve strayed from my course.

Throughout my career journey, I figured out what skills I needed to develop and found a way to pursue my passions, even when my full-time role wasn't exactly my dream job. By taking on different responsibilities and learning opportunities, and by shifting to a different mindset, I continued to set myself apart and diversify my skill set. I’ve relied on some simple career tenets in the companies and roles I’ve had for over a decade—even if they were subconscious at the time—and it’s not surprising that we’re teaching students some of these things through my work at HIVE DIVERSITY.

Regardless of where you are in your own career journey—whether you’re just starting out, thinking about a pivot, or just aren’t exactly at your end goal quite yet—here’s my advice for ensuring you always grow closer to your career sweet spot.

1. It’s okay to accept a role that’s not the job.

This advice may seem obvious since there are many people who aren’t in their dream jobs. However, I’m not guiding you to open the floodgates to start considering anything and everything. If you can envision a path to the role you want from the role you’re considering, it might be worth a shot rather than waiting for the perfect job, especially in a challenging market. I graduated from college during a financial downturn, so I’ve experienced what it’s like to start or pivot a career during a period of uncertainty. I wasn’t in a position financially where I could go too long without a job, so I eventually accepted a role that wasn’t related as closely to my major and to what I wanted to do, but where I could see a path to getting there.

Fast forward to today, and I’m the chief operating officer at HIVE DIVERSITY, a career development and recruiting platform which brings together one unique community of students and recent graduates with employers who value diversity. Our students learn about career development from five levels of gamified content, videos, and resources, which take them from college major and career planning through interview prep. As part of our guidance on selecting a post-grad role, we advise students “as long as the job is not just ‘anything’ it doesn’t have to be everything… just a step in the right direction.” Of course, if you get your dream job, that works, too!

2. Adopt a “yes, and” mentality.

A big part of my work and life approach is informed by design thinking, a human-centered approach to solving problems. To aid in idea-generation, design thinkers will often call upon the mindset of “yes, and” (also used in the world of improv), which involves accepting and building on new ideas, rather than saying no to them. In my experience “Yes, and…” has meant finding something worth accepting in anything that comes my way, and then adding my own spin on it.

When it comes to your career and helping to get closer to what you want and value, “yes, and” can be a great way to ensure you’re not closing doors too quickly that might lead to something useful. A few years ago, I was in a fast-paced customer-facing operations role with a lot to manage and little time to do it. When I was asked to add a new daily task to my to-do list, my initial instinct was to say “No, but…” which I pivoted to a “yes, and.” Yes, I took on the ongoing task, and I amended the ask so that I improved the process itself. I recognized that adding my own twist of process improvement would be a résumé-builder in itself. Not only did this new task eventually take a lot less time to do, but I was able to find value in the initial idea that was sent my way.

3. Proactively seek or create opportunities to work on things you’re interested in.

As you’re on your journey to career nirvana, look for ways to work or volunteer in the areas you’re most interested in if it’s not exactly what you’re doing full-time. You might be in a company you love but not in your dream department or functional area. Or, you might be considering an individual contributor role, and you know that you want to build leadership experience to get the job you’ve always wanted. If you have the capacity to take on additional projects or learning opportunities, don’t be afraid to seek them out!

As part of a rotational training program at a company I was excited to work at, I’d learned that there was a department specifically focused on technical project management—something I’d been exposed to and wanted to build on. Through demonstrating interest and an informational meeting with the department head, I ultimately was able to rotate to that department. I love leading teams, so when I took on a subsequent role where I could expand on technical skills without being a people manager, I sought opportunities to lead. Given my interest in diversity and inclusion, I volunteered to be on the leadership team of two employee resource groups: another vital “extra” role that clinched my experience in both D&I and leadership at once!

Ultimately, I’d built up a portfolio of experiences that caught the eye of my partner and HIVE founder, Byron Slosar. Building on my work across operations, career services, process improvement, diversity and inclusion, leading teams, and more, I wound up being the perfect fit for HIVE DIVERSITY and vice versa.

If you’ve spent time learning what you want, it turns out you already have the tools to get there. Take chances, be proactive, and work with what you have. The rest will follow.

“When it comes to your career and helping to get closer to what you want and value, “yes, and” can be a great way to ensure you’re not closing doors too quickly that might lead to something useful.”

—Dakotah Eddy, Chief Operating Officer, HIVE DIVERSITY

About the Author: Dakotah Eddy is the chief operating officer of HIVE DIVERSITY, a digital recruiting platform that connects employers with a unique community of graduates that represents what diversity in the workforce is supposed to be. Prior to joining HIVE DIVERSITY, Dakotah was an operations leader for Victoria's Secret Beauty, where she served on the leadership team for the women's and Black associates' diversity and inclusion groups and completed the Inclusive Leadership Development Program. Dakotah received her MBA from Cornell University's Johnson Graduate School of Management with a focus on Strategy, Marketing, and Technology.

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5 Ways Fear Can Propel You as an Artist

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When you use your greatest fears to guide you in your creative work, you uncover the deepest, most genuine pieces of yourself—in your life, and in your art.

—Meera Lee Patel, Artist and Author of “Create Your Own Calm”

Shifting your perspective toward fear and approaching it as something that can help you, rather than harm you, is key in allowing fear to move you forward. When you pull fear towards you and listen to it more closely, you discover that as an artist, it’s one of the most useful tools you have. Here’s why.

1. Vulnerability connects you with others.

Making work that is honest, straight from the heart, and that allows others to see you for who you are is terrifying.

It’s not easy to feel exposed, and especially when unveiling yourself means inviting others to judge and critique you. You trim your words and soften your emotions, creating work that is watered-down and accessible, not realizing that you’re doing yourself (and your work) a disservice.

The truth is that the world wants your raw, unfiltered work—writing that bites, paintings that elicit emotion, films that cause you to question the thoughts you think and the actions you take. Vulnerability is a road that brings you closer to others, and when you make art that reflects who you are, it brings you closer to yourself, too.

2. Creating from pain encourages healing.

The fear of letting go is rooted in a fear of the unknown and a belief that anything you haven’t experienced yet will negatively affect you. Your brain is designed to protect you, and that often means staying in the same place—after all, what you haven’t discovered can’t hurt you.

Focused on self-preservation, your brain refuses to acknowledge that beauty lies in the unknown. If you draw your pain closer, you can creatively draw from your well of history to create art that is healing for you and for others. Eventually, you’ll find that you’re shaping a whole new future filled with surprise and delight.

3. Self-reflection leads to the best work.

The fear of looking within is scary, and you might be unsettled by what you find. What if your imposter syndrome begins to take over? What if you uncover painful memories that haven’t yet healed? As artists, we procrastinate because we think we need to be the perfect version of ourselves to make perfect art.

Art isn’t perfect, though. In fact, the best work has visible flaws, marks, and outlines that explain who the artist is and how the artist thinks. The stories that you have hidden inside you are the ones other people want to see, and the only way you can share them is by taking the time to uncover them.

4. Honest work draws a loyal audience.

How often have you created something that you thought another person would like, instead of drawing the lines or choosing the colors you were actually pulled towards? It usually takes a long time (and building up a well of confidence) to realize that when you make the work you’re meant to make, the people who connect with it the most will find it and support it because they find themselves in it.

5. Failure is a door to creative growth.

As an artist especially, it’s tempting to continue to creating work in the same voice or style that has become comfortable, brought you success, or that already resonates with your audience. The fear of failure can convince you that any step in a new direction will be a mistake and one that will erase any progress you’ve already made. The chance for failure is the chance to learn something new—to begin again. As an artist, it’s a beautiful opportunity for growth.

If you welcome failure into your creative process, you’re inviting more than the opportunity for success or learning new skills into your life—you’re inviting creative evolution. The more open to failure you are, the more chances you will take in your art. You can try new techniques, experiment with media, and try on different creative voices until you find the one that feels most authentic to you. Nothing is more important than continuing to grow as an artist. 

As an artist, you have a responsibility to respect yourself and your work by making sure it is an honest reflection of who you are and how you interpret the world around you. When you use your greatest fears to guide you in your creative work, you uncover the deepest, most genuine pieces of yourself—in your life, and in your art.

About the Author: Meera Lee Patel is a self-taught artist and the author of “Create Your Own Calm.” She creates work to inspire and encourage others to connect with themselves, each other, and the world around them. She lives in the northern woods of Nashville, Tennessee.

“Create Your Own Calm” by Meera Lee Patel

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What It Actually Means to “Find Your Passion”—and How to Start Acting On It Right Now

Photo: Smith House Photography

Oftentimes, we enter our first—or second, or third—jobs and are shocked to find that it doesn’t align with our values, skills, or passions. It’s almost as if we were sold “The Dream,” but ended up drowning in emails instead.

Of course, there are aspects of work that will never be enjoyable—like taxes or back-and-forth scheduling—but given that we spend over 90,000 hours at work across our lifetime, the majority of it should be fun. Interesting. Passion-driven.

Sadly, this isn’t the case for most of us. Over 80% of Americans today say that they are not passionate about their job. So, if you feel like you’re the only one who is confused or frustrated by the lack of passion for your career, you’re not alone.

But, it is possible to do something you love without sacrificing your values, skills, or sanity. Trust me, as a career confidence and conscious decision-making coach, I’ve helped dozens of humans align their passion and purpose into a long-lasting career.

Here are five things you can do right now to get started on that journey.

Look back to your childhood days

Our passion isn’t something that we need to “discover.” Oftentimes, the things we loved doing as a kid are directly aligned with activities that still bring us joy. We’ve just been forced into a certain career or lifestyle because of society’s rules about what we’re “supposed” to do as adults.

So, spend time looking back on your childhood hobbies. Ask yourself: What did I do just for fun? What activities was I really good at—even if I can’t picture it as a career right now?

Reflect on what you can’t stop doing *right now*

Take a step back from your current day-to-day and think about the moments that bring you joy. That you do without anyone forcing you to complete them. That de-stress you or simply make you feel really good.

They can range from giving advice to a friend, or doing watercolor painting. Again, don’t worry about how you can create a business from them just yet.

Give yourself one minute to write down as many ideas as you can be based on your gut feeling. Then, fill in any gaps that you may have missed.

Spend time connecting the dots

Now, it’s time to bring that strategic thinking into play. Spend some time alone, reviewing your two pieces of “homework” from earlier. Become a trend spotter: What similarities are there between your childhood self, and the version of you who is free and uninhibited?

Oftentimes, our truest self comes out when we’re in a childlike state, or have no other purpose than simply having fun. Although “finding” your passion may have seemed overwhelming before, it’s clear that your passion resides somewhere deep inside of you, you just need to listen a little more.

Spend time asking yourself: How can I inject more of this into my career and daily life? If you love connecting deeply with others, assess if your current role allows you to do that often. If you love painting but can never imagine yourself becoming an “artist,” are there ways that you can support others in that space?

Get an accountability partner

Changing your life is downright difficult! It’s okay—and important—to admit that making these changes is hard to do on your own.

Take some time to figure out your best course of action. Is it finding a friend in a similar position and having weekly calls to hold each other accountable? Is it joining a mastermind group? Is it investing in yourself and hiring a coach?

Be honest with yourself and assess what is most realistic for you right now. Most importantly, don’t feel ashamed that this is something you need extra help with.

Take your first step, no matter how small

One of the most difficult parts about discovering our passion isn’t the journey of finding it, it’s doing something about it. This is often where our fear and limiting beliefs come into play. We believe that we don’t have the right skills or enough experience. Imposter syndrome hits us real hard.

Take this as your sign that no matter where you are right now—you are enough to get started. Create a plan to take that first step, no matter how small, towards living in your purpose. Whether it’s writing your first blog post or creating a shop on Etsy, trust yourself.

You’ve got this!

This post was originally published on June 8, 2019, and has since been updated.

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Does My Career Determine My Self Worth?

New expectations have begun to haunt women each day. In a world, full of Elaine Welteroth’s, Bozoma Saint John’s, and Sophia Amoruso’s — we feel the pressure to be our own badass career woman. 

Scrolling through our social feeds to find these amazing women living out their dreams has altered our reality. Though encouraging and liberating for women in this generation, it can also be discouraging. Quotes such as “choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life” can become discouraging to some when you’re constantly working towards choosing the job you love but you remain stuck in the job you have. You begin to look at yourself and start to believe that you must be doing something wrong (even though you're doing everything in your power to do everything right).

We are hungrier than ever to accomplish our goals and to take the career world by storm. Yet, our expected achievements don’t meet our timelines. We have done everything we can, from cold emailing to going door to door, but somehow, we can’t quite get to the girl boss level we’ve been working our ass off for.  Some of us, such as myself, have played it by the book and have gone to college to retrieve that fancy (and expensive) piece of paper. 

Now what?

After graduation, I acquired a job that most people would consider “a dream job”. And it was — until I hit a wall. I began to realize that I was not going to learn more than I was taught and a promotion was not coming my way for a while. I felt stuck and devalued. I knew in order to get to the place I wanted to be professionally, I had to make a change. I quit my job, packed up my bags, and moved back home with no job in sight. I took a leap of faith as all the enthusiasts like to encourage dreamers to do. Little did I know, this would be a full year of doors being slammed in my face.

"I knew in order to get to the place I wanted to be professionally, I had to make a change."

Tweet this.

Months of applications, cold emails, networking, and going door to door turned into days of no callbacks and “you’re just not the right fit for us”. Other than the retail job I had to get me by — I was practically jobless. After a year of being jobless, I hit rock bottom and depression began to flood my veins. Was I not good enough? I had several internships in the past and over 2 years of professional experience yet I was not worthy enough to be hired. 

The lack of success in my career hit me hard. I have always been labeled the go-getter and people looked to me for career advice. I felt my expectations and the expectations of others weigh down on me. Family, friends, and everyone around me saw my constant success for years and when I no longer had that, my identity faded. I realized that I correlated my worth with the success and pace of my career.

I had no desire for a love life, I happily accepted my singleness, and my career became the love of my life — this was my happy reality. Believe it or not, the Sex and the City and Cashmere Mafia lifestyle was #goals for me. Through this year of being jobless, I began to love myself less. What I valued most about myself was non-existent. If I’m not good enough to get a job after a full year, was I good enough at all?

At exactly a year, I finally got hired.

It wasn’t the job I dreamed of but it was a good start. Though back on my feet — I still felt incomplete.

This job did not match my vision. I molded a perfected version of my career since I was a young girl and that dream began to slowly slip away along with my worth. The power woman I thought I was and could potentially be slipped away with my lost worth.

Though I’d given up on myself, I knew that I would hate myself forever if I didn’t try picking myself back up. I couldn’t let my career slide to the waste side. After a month of feeling down – I picked myself back up and decided to keep moving forward. My career isn’t over and I am still worthy.

I began attending networking events again, cold emailing my career idols, and searching for freelance work that would help me stand out during my future job searches. I realized that I could never give up on myself and my dreams. My success does not determine my worth. Most importantly, I had to make opportunities for myself. Your current full-time money making job might suck but don’t limit yourself to that primary source of opportunity. Use your current sucky job as a stepping stone for something better. Make a gradual plan to your dream job and reach out for outside opportunities to spruce up your resume and to gain more experience in the meantime. That’s what you call grinding.

My success does not determine my worth.

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Word of advice to ladies who are out there making it — share your struggles with others so that your fellow go-getters won’t feel alone. We need to know that this feeling won’t last forever.  That’s more encouraging than cheesy quotes and fantasy pictures. For the ladies who are still trying to make it—think smart, keep working, and don’t lose sight of yourself when your dreams begin to break your heart.

And yes — one of my dreams was to write this very article for this amazing organization. If I can do it, you can too.

Epiphany Ciers is a Houstonian tackling the world of fashion. From writing to creating content, Epiphany has her hands in everything. Though determined to make it in the fashion world, Epiphany also has a passion for encouraging and motivating women. Follow her on IG @epiphany.ciers as she navigates the fashion industry and explores the world around her. 

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5 Women Share When They Feel the Most Fearless

Fear is normal. It keeps us safe. It can even motivate us to get our ducks in a row.

But every woman knows that moment, when you hit your stride, and a surge of fearlessness surges through you. The moment where you know, “I got this.”

It’s a get up and go after it feeling that is empowering. And contagious.

So we asked five women to share when they feel the most fearless. We encourage you to do the same in the comments and pass on the good vibes.

Allie Greenberg, Senior Brand Marketing Manager, Richer Poorer

“This is corny,” says the Marketing Manager at LA’s favorite inner-wear company, “but after a really good, sweaty workout.”

“Or,” the new mom says, “when Sadie [her daughter] and I take a stroller walk around the neighborhood-- I’m so overwhelmed with happiness that nothing can touch me.”

She adds, “Wine also does the trick.”

Paige Bowen, co-founder of Bowen House

Known for their one-of-a-kind furniture pieces, the “daughter,” behind the mother-daughter team at Bowen House, says she feels the most free and fearless after delivering a custom piece to a client.

“Whenever we create really custom pieces for clients I’m always really inspired,” Bowen says. “Then, fear sets in right before it’s delivered.” Luckily that feeling doesn’t last long. “It’s probably right after I see how perfect it looks and the client loves it that I’m the most fearless. It’s like a mini-high.”

Adri Contreras, Senior Events Director, Create & Cultivate

“Fresh out of the salon,” Adri says, “is when I feel the most fearless. I color my hair. I get highlights and when they are glossy and everything is blown out, I feel unstoppable.” However the event director knows that there isn’t always time to hit up the salon, especially before traveling for big conferences. So she keeps things spruced with Moroccanoil Color Complete Collection. The Protect & Prevent Spay super easy to bring along in her suitcase. By shielding hair from environmental factors including UV rays, pollution and thermal damage, Protect & Prevent Spray helps reduce brassiness and fading at the source. And it’s proven to work. After 10 washes, the Moroccanoil Color Complete Collection is scientifically proven to extend color life and vibrancy by 100%. Those are the kind of numbers we like over here.

“Look good, feel good,” says Contreras.

Aideé Chavez, Founder @MexicanYogaGirl

Friends and fam do it for this writer and content creator.

“I feel the most fearless around the people I love and love me back,” Aideé says. “My family and friends are such a sweet place for me. When I am around them I love how I laugh and the stupid stuff I feel open to say, how all my insecurities can be on blast for them to see and yet in that, there is this power where we connect with each other in a way that gives me the energy to go out into the world feeling and loved.”

Can we get a #same?

Brittany Littleton, Activist, Rescuer & Rehabilitator @LitteLoveRescue

“I feel the most fearless right after getting through hard situations. Any time I feel afraid or unsure of myself I remember those times and look at how far I’ve come. Last year was truly the hardest year of my life,” the single mama shares. “I thought I wouldn’t get through it. Then I had my son and I felt-- fearless isn’t even the word for it. I felt invincible.”

What makes you feel fearless? Share below!!

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The Most Inspirational Thing You'll Read All Day

Mel Robbins used to work all day long. She never set a stop time and so, she never stopped. But the renowned motivational speaker, creator of The 5 Second Rule, and a best-selling author and Audible Original host, is on a new track-- one that took her many years and 5 seconds to figure out. 

At 41 her life was a mess. (Self-admittedly.) She couldn't get out of bed. She was unemployed. And then she changed her life with the 5 Second Rule. Laying in bed Mel counted backward from 5 to zero. 

In that blip of time she activated her prefrontal cortex, which, according to Mel (and science) "is the part of the brain in charge of decision making, strategic thinking, acting with courage, learning new behavior, and working towards goals."

She's now the host of the Audible Original, "Kick Ass with Mel Robbins," where she talks to real people with real problems. Sound like you?  

Read on. 

You've said that dreams deserve 5 minutes in the morning before you let the world in. Can this kind of thinking be applied to any point during the day and have the same effect?

Most of us live our day-to-day in a reactionary mindset. We’re rolling through our to-dos, firing out emails, doing the daily chores and tasks, and getting what needs to be done finished.

And, as long as you’re putting out fires, you aren’t moving the ball down the field on what matters most to you. We knock things off of our to-do lists because that feels productive, but because we never actually make any real progress on the things that matter, we often still feel a void in our lives.

Your dreams will never come to life if you’re checking boxes off your to-do list. Instead, you need to take deliberate time each day to make meaningful progress on your goals.

I do this by carving out 30 minutes each morning of protected time to work on my goals.

There’s a reason the morning is the best time to work on your goals–and it lies in neuroscience.

According to Duke University professor and researcher Dan Ariely, we all have a two or three hour window of peak productivity every single day–and it starts an hour after you wake up.

So, if you pop out of bed at 6 a.m., your peak thinking and productivity window is 7 a.m. – 9 a.m.

I do whatever it takes to find 30 minutes before 7:30 a.m. to plan out my day and spend some time on a project that matters to me.

Why else is it important to plan and do the most important stuff first thing? Because it’s the best time for the brain to focus on the tasks or goals that advance your own personal or professional goals.

Answering emails, taking phone calls, sitting in meetings have a way of taking over your schedule and rarely lead to making major improvements in your life.

The concept of “30 before 7:30” cannot be done once you walk into the office. You must do this at home, at your favorite coffee shop, on the train, or sitting in your car in the parking lot.

Do not try to do this at work. The moment you walk into your office, answer that first email, or take that first call–your day is gone. Your attention is no longer being focused on your own goals and dreams.

For your own happiness and to protect the time necessary to focus on the deep work, the first two hours of your day must be grabbed by you. Now, if every once and a while you’ve a morning in which it’s impossible to take 30, you can leave it until the evening. But I’ve found that most of the time “later” becomes “not today.” At night, you’re tired–and you’re about 12 hours past your peak thinking window.

If you are making progress on projects that matter, even if for just a few minutes a day, you are winning the long game.

For our readers who have a hard time setting professional boundaries-- they're burnt out, they're replying to emails constantly, they never say no, they work weekends-- what's your advice?

When I find myself working around the clock, I remember Parkinson's Law.

Parkinson’s Law states that work expands to fill the amount of time given to it, which means that if you never set your own boundaries, you'll literally ALWAYS be working.

And that not only wears you down–it wears other people in your life down, too. A recent study found 33% of people answer messages in the middle of the night. And you don’t need me to tell you that checking your emails at 3 AM puts you at risk for burnout and emotional exhaustion.

Instead of endlessly working and being addicted to your phone from sunrise to sunset, try this: Set a time today that you will absolutely stop working.

As someone who used to work all day long, I was amazed what happened when I started setting a quitting time, something I now do every single day.

Instead of becoming less productive, I actually got more done. With my quitting time in mind, I was more focused, concentrated, and made even more progress.

A quitting time is the difference between an unfocused 12 hours of work or a productive, distraction-free 8 hours–in which you get the same amount of work done.

If you can get serious about managing distractions and removing them, you will find your productivity is off the charts. Every interruption takes 25 minutes to fully recover from and get back into focus mode.

If signing off at 5 PM makes you nervous, try this method for just one day. Before you get to work, take your 30 before 7:30 and plan out your day. Once you get into the office, write your quitting time down and start on your #1 project of the day before you check your email. Keep your phone on silent and your computer’s notifications off. If you find yourself getting tired, get up and walk for 5 minutes.

By 5PM, you will have most likely accomplished as much as you would working even longer.

Try this one day at a time and you’ll find that the extra time to recharge at night actually makes you even more productive the next day!

On a related note, the art of managing distractions is one of the superpowers of the 21st century. If you can tune out the notifications, the noise, and the chatter, you will get twice as much work done in half the time–allowing you to have quality time with your family and loved ones at night.

For young working women there are fear-based thoughts that if they don't do all of the above (are the last one the leave the office, say no to answering emails on the weekend, etc.) there will be someone behind them happy to take their place. What do you say to that?

The key word here is “value.” There’s a major difference between showing up at work (no matter how many hours you are online) and providing real value.

If you make your boss’ life easier and you further your boss’ strategic objectives, you are providing an incredible amount of value–and your boss will not think about firing you, even if you set clear boundaries around your time.

The secret to providing value is to ask yourself one question every day.

It’s to put yourself in your boss’ shoes and ask: What is the most valuable thing that I can do for him/her?

When you choose which projects to work on, you should actively seek to align your workload and your priorities with your boss’ objectives. While it may be more fun for you to work on projects that are not as important, when you become a proactive strategic contributor, you become an invaluable asset to your team.

If you’re currently not a huge value-add to your company, you can change that starting now. Tomorrow, ask your boss to talk and find out his or her strategic objectives–and start to align your work in this direction.

This question also gives you a formula for how you will answer other people who ask for your time and energy at work.

Many of us, especially women, want to please everyone in our lives, and it’s no easier to say no to a colleague or your boss as it is to say no to a friend or family member.

At work, you need to get clear on your priorities. And then, when someone asks you to do something that you don’t have time for or that would hurt your work on your most important projects, here is how to say no without feeling guilty:

First: understand that you are not saying NO to the person. You are saying it to the task. You are also saying YES to prioritizing your own time. If a colleague asks you, acknowledge the request and thank the person for thinking of you, explain why you don’t have the time due to your other projects, and then offer a lifeline by helping them brainstorm another person or offer guidance if they need help.

Second: if your boss is the one to ask for a request, use it as a strategic, high visibility moment. Listen to the request and then say that you are aiming to help them with strategic priorities and ask what is most important for you to focus on: this new project or your current work.

Remember: if you don’t prioritize your time and learn to say no, someone else will be the one to dictate your priorities, which is not the key to making progress at work.

It’s not just important to “say no” to projects that don’t align with your strategic goals. It’s also important to “say no” to being available all the time. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s impossible show up as your best self. Research shows that today’s pressure to always be accessible has left more than half of workers feeling burned out and in desperate need of a reset button. In the United States alone, 200 million days are lost from work each year due to mental health issues, which is costing employers over $100 billion.

Researchers believe that one reason women are not promoted at the same levels men are is because of burnout. Women face high expectations in the home and at work (especially be having to be “always on” even after work hours).

Being “always on” is impossible. Make sure to prioritize things like sleep, getting time outdoors, exercising, not sitting all day, and spending time with friends.

And, if you’re actively aligning your workload with your company’s top priorities and getting more done in less time by managing distractions, you will become an invaluable employees who can set boundaries–and not have to worry about being replaced by someone else.

Sign up for Audible today! And listen to Kick Ass with Mel Robbins. Change your life already. 

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Why One Model Called This the Best and Most Diverse Panel Ever

“Sometimes I wake up after days like yesterday & I think “how is this my life?” How did I get so incredibly lucky to not only speak on panels about body positivity & being a boss with some of the strongest women I know, who happen to be my friends and who are ACTUALLY CHANGING THE WORLD?! I know the answer, I got here from really hard work, privilege & never taking no for an answer. Not listening to people who said I was too short, too fat, too tattooed, too outspoken, too much, myself. I was reminded yesterday that there is still so much work to do, and that we ALL have to keep showing up for not only ourselves but marginalized bodies & people. Thank you to @createcultivate for having me & to @jessbeegood from @livestrong_com for moderating the best & most diverse panel I’ve been a part of to date.”

So wrote Tess Holliday on her Instagram following Create & Cultivate Los Angeles this past Saturday. Joining her on panel, were @ihartericka, @mamacaxx, @mynameisjessamyn, and @danikabrysha. The group of women went in on everything from the “body positive” movement and whether they believe in it to how they identify. 

Below are some of the amazing highlights from the panel. 

Jessamyn Stanley
Yoga teacher, body positive advocate, and writer    

Jessica Bordner Photography

On panel, Jessamyn said she’s interested in disrupting the industry beyond visibility. She not only wants to be seen but to be heard and understood.  

“I came to body-positivity to really understand myself in a more whole way. I am attached to the understanding for all human beings that who we are on the inside dictates who we are on the outside.”

“I have so much conflict, thinking about where we are with body positivity and actually cracking the mainstream. I am one of very few fat, black, queer, yoga teachers. Or that’s what people think. It’s patently false. There are so many people who look so many different ways. The fact that anyone would find my presence anywhere surprising is frustrating on a deep level.” 

Though she says she never intended to be the face of a movement, and still doesn’t think of herself in that way, she’s not mad at it. “If there is going to be a cracking of the mainstream, I’m not upset to be in that space. Visibility is critical. Living my truth and just existing can have an accidental purpose.”

She continued, “I think we need to get to a place beyond television, advertising and movies to be our ‘goals’ for life."

Eff the rules she said.  Do what you do. Love who you are. That’s the only plan."

Ericka Hart
Cancer warrior, activist and sexuality educator

Jessica Bordner Photography

Ericka Identifies as a black, queer and femme woman. She spoke on the importance of being clear with how she identifies because it holds weight in a room. She mentioned that when people feel uncomfortable with her being queer, it’s a reflection of a problem they are facing internally. “If someone has a problem with me being queer, they really just have a problem with themselves,” she told the room. 

“I’m used to not seeing myself,” said Ericka. “But I’m really interested in disrupting beyond viability. So yes, I walked topless at New York Fashion week, and that felt amazing. But what I’m interested in is the fact that W Magazine just released at stat that said 0.4% of [fashion] shows this year were diverse. I don’t know how many shows exist at New York Fashion week, but there are many. If you look at the Fashion industry it’s not interested in being diverse and it’s not interested in giving it back to the black and queer and trans people who invented it. I’m interested in actually making the institution different— the system different. We have to be critical about diversity and inclusion. It’s so much more than visibility.” 

Tess Holliday
Model, Author, Momma & Feminist Founder of @EffYourBeautyStandards  

Jessica Bordner Photography

“We all should just do whatever the fuck we wanna do. And whatever feels good for us,” the model said to a cheering crowd. 

“I didn’t see anyone who looked like me. I wanted to be the person that I didn’t see. I started putting myself out there on social media. I’ve been doing it now for eight years.” As a US size 22 Tess told that crowd that she is still the only model for her height and size signed to a major agency. But she is committed to seeing that change.  “I’ve accomplished what everyone said was impossible, and I’m hoping to help other people do the same.” 

Tess also spoke on how she had to break away from waiting on other people to reassure her on things. She used to be stuck in a place where she needed her decisions validated by those around her, but she’s not interested in that anymore. She now knows that she has the power to reassure herself.     

"My best piece of advice would be to be yourself and be authentic. Do something that you love, and don’t be afraid to not do what you love. Just go for it!"

Danika Brysha
Plus size model and founder of @ModelMeals

When Danika started her modeling career she was faced with tons of negative criticism around her size and her curves.

She said, “I heard from people, ‘You have such a pretty face,' but they were just insinuating the rest of me wasn’t up to par, and that just wasn’t true.” 

“I spent my whole life feeling like not enough. To get into the plus-size industry and recreate my normal of what beautiful looks like is incredibly powerful.”

MamaCaxx
Survivor and Role Model

Jessica Bordner Photography

“Body positivity is really embracing marginalized bodies,” shared MamaCaxx. 

“In college I used to have a cover prosthetic. My goal was to hide and conceal. The very first time I decided to take off that cover, I remember it took me two weeks to actually leave my house. I had so much anxiety.” When she did leave the house and subsequently decided to have a photoshoot with a metal leg, Caxx explained that the recurring comments surprised her. “People were commenting that they’d never seen a black girl with a prosthetic,” which she said, is not her world. “What you think of disability is not what it is at all. It’s only one identity. And it crosses all people. Black, white, queer, women, men.”

She continued, “In the fashion industry I don’t see a lot of people with visible disabilities. But what you gain from fair representation goes such a long way.” 

What brands do you think are succeeding at fair representation? Let us know in the comments!

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WorkParty Fireside Chat: How Refinery29 Co-Founders Actually Met

Refinery29 started out of a 750 sq. ft apartment with a $5,000 dollar investment. Today it's a global empire. And at Saturday's Create & Cultivate LA, co-founder Piera Gelardi shared with a crowd of over a thousand women about the brand's roots and it's commitment to inclusiveness. 

In a WorkParty fireside chat with C&C founder Jaclyn Johnson, the two got down to brass tacks 

On Starting

“I started Refinery about 13 years ago with three co-founders.” Though Piera studied art, she knew she didn’t want a solitary career. “I grew up in a family business. There were always people around. So I knew I wanted to start looking at careers that would bring the artistic side of me out, but that would also bring out my entrepreneurial spirit and love of collaboration.”

She got an internship at a publication called City Magazine. “It was a great experience because it was very small and hands-on. I learned about the design side, about styling, and I also learned a lot from my boss, the executive editor, Christene Barberich, who is also my co-founder at Refinery.”

“I worked there for a couple of years but I started to feel fatigued by the magazine cycle. I wanted to start something on my own.” When she and her other two co-founders, her then-boyfriend, now husband, Philippe von Borries and Justin Stefano, needed an editor, she told the two to call up Christene and ask if the brilliant editor knew anyone. Christene surprised Piera by her desire to get involved in the idea.

“She called me up and said, ‘I think this is an amazing idea, I want to get involved, but I can only get involved is you’re actually committed,” Piera explained, crediting Christene as the person who really convinced her to take the jump.  “That was the moment I decided I was really going to commit myself to it.”

On Cultivating the Career of Her Dreams

“Some people have a long-term vision of where they want to be and they make the plan.” Piera explained. “But I’ve been someone who’s needed to try something and respond to it. Really give whatever I try I full shot.”

“Bringing joy, satisfaction, and leaning into your own strengths at work is so necessary,”

“I think bringing joy, satisfaction, and leaning into your own strengths at work is so necessary,” the co-founder shared.

On the Birth of 29Rooms

Piera knew she wanted to do something big for the ten-year anniversary of the brand.

#WorkParty. Right?! 

“We wanted to celebrate ten years as a brand. We wanted to honor our roots and style. But also celebrate all the different topics that Refinery now covers. We wanted to create an experience that would disrupt fashion week by being inclusive.”

29Rooms Is Refinery29's funhouse Of Style, Culture, And Technology. Fans get to experience Refinery29’s imaginative spirit IRL through an interactive funhouse of style, culture, & technology, brought to life by a group of global artists and visionaries across mediums.

Bringing fashion, culture, and style to the people has been their goal from the get-go.  

“Fashion is very exclusive, very didactic, and designed to make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel insecure,” shared Piera. “We wanted to create a space that celebrated self-expression and individuality. In the beginning we didn’t feel like part of the fashion world, but we loved what style represented as a form of expression. We’re always looking at what’s missing and how we can better serve our audience. Always looking at who we can create space for.”

Elevating different voices is built into the R29 ethos. ‘It’s always been important to listen to our audience and listen to our team. The Refinery team is our audience.”

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How To Remember To Eat Lunch At Work

The week of C&C is a crazy, wild ride.

And we’re all along for it, but sometimes we forget to eat.

Which, everyone, including your mom, knows is vital to your overall well-being, brain health, and sanity.

Drink water. Eat food. It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. Your adrenaline takes over. And in the midst you forget to feed yourself.

Here are some reasons why that’s a horrible idea.

SKIPPING LUNCH SLOWS YOUR METABOLISM

Also, it slows down your ability to quickly process information. What you want to do when you hear your stomach rumble, is answer the call. Sometimes that means opening up the little “Postmates” app on your phone  .

SERIOUSLY, TAKE YOUR LUNCH BREAK.

Disconnecting from work mid-day can actually GIVE you an energy boost and make everything run more smoothly. When it comes to event production, there are so many tiny balls in the air and skipping lunch ensures that some of those balls will drop. Our Senior Event Producer, Adri Contreras, knows that ordering lunch is key, especially when it comes to long grueling days onsite. But who has time for that?! (Not us.)

Luckily, Postmates stepped up and sent the crew a healthy spread from Kye’s. It’s a health-focused eatery with a ton of options-- from organic gluten-free wraps and vegan yummies for the plant-based eaters on our team, it filled our team up, without leaving them sluggish. Which, says Adri, is exactly what we need during the day.

SMART WORKERS MANAGE THEIR WORK/FOOD ENVIRONMENT

Like we’ve said, don’t work so hard that your plate is full but your stomach is empty.

If you want to work smart, you have to be smart. That means powering up on healthy options.

Luckily, Postmates delivers anything from anywhere. And on the days you know will be insane you can even schedule your wrap delivery ahead of time. That’s like the grown-up version of packing your lunch. #SorryNotSorryMom.

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What If We Had a Solution to the High Cost of College

Smith House Photography 

You want an education. You’re told you need an education. But at what cost should that education come? Last year for our inaugural Create & Cultivate 100 list,  where we honored 100 women across 10 categories, we found a fairly even split amongst our 100 honorees, when it came to their thoughts on college. About half said that a college education was still important, but the other half said that college, in its traditional four-year form, was growing less important. 

In part, that has to do with the cost. It is BANK to attend college. According to the College Board, the average cost of tuition and fees for the 2017–2018 school year was $34,740 at private colleges, $9,970 for state residents at public colleges, and $25,620 for out-of-state residents attending public universities.

That’s a whole lotta dollars for students who aren’t yet employed and paying their own way. More so, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York found "only 27% of college grads had a job that was closely related to their major." And though some grads work all of college to secure their dream jobs, most have no clue what field they even want to be in. And they waste precious time and money trying to figure it out. 

Like so many, Lee S. attended a four-year college. And like so many she found herself asking big questions. Life questions are often complicated by options. “Throughout my time at school,” she says. “I got more and more confused with my own personal expectations post-college. I did not know what I wanted to do. I could not envision where I belonged in this massive industry that is carved out for post-grad college kids. All I knew was that I wanted to be in a field that allowed me to interact with people. I love people; talking to different people, connecting with people, learning from as many people as I could. Yes, I would describe myself as a ‘people person,’ which to some might be a cop out, but for me it's my truth.”

She ended up landing a job at a company that allows her to interact with people as well as satisfy her creative needs. But what if there was a solution that was cost effective and helped her narrow her focus? What if she didn’t need to be so confused along her journey?

Strayer University is helping driven students do just that. 

Strayer is helping students with personalized learning solutions. To help increase attainment and improve student engagement rates – a fundamental component of success – Strayer introduced Strayer Studios, an entirely revolutionary platform featuring enhanced online content that blends Emmy Award-winning film production with real-life, engaging stories. 

In an initial pilot, 10 percent fewer students dropped courses that included Strayer Studios content – a critical data point given drop rates are higher among the non-traditional student population. 

By the end of 2017, Strayer estimates that 52,000 classes will have been delivered in the Studios format.

Moreover, according to Strayer, “Too many students take on debt, but do not finish their degrees. As a result, many fail to reap the rewards of postsecondary attainment: meaningful employment, higher salary and improved quality of life.”

"Too many students take on debt, but do not finish their degrees."

Tweet this. 

Instead of stressing students out MORE, Strayer wondered if it could build an approach that rewarded students for their continued progress towards a degree. 

Enter the Strayer Graduation Fund, which allows students to earn a course at no-cost for every three classes they complete and has the potential to reduce the total cost of a student’s degree by up to 25 percent as long as they stay continuously enrolled. Since the program launched in 2013, student persistence from the first to second year of instruction has improved by 45 percent. And among at-risk students, first-to-second year retention rates increased by 80 percent. These are important markers because first-to-second year retention is a key indicator of a student’s likelihood of progressing towards a degree.

And isn’t that what we all want? Progress? Yes. Progress. And progress ensures that you’ll meet your goals, whatever they may be. 

Every person starts somewhere. Everyone has their own journey. Perhaps the solutions offered by Strayer will be a first step in yours. 

This is sponsored post, created in collaboration with Strayer University. 

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Let's Talk About Love Language in the Creative Workplace

Love language, not to be confused with romance languages like French, Italian, and Spanish, is an important part of your communication and interaction with others. There’s a very well-known book called The Five Love Languages, which explains the ways in which people like to give and receive love from their partners, and how you can make each type of person feel the most loved and appreciated. 

The main theme of the aforementioned book is that there is no fool proof, one-size-fits-all method to communicate to a partner that you care about them. The same concept is true when attempting to land a new job, bond with your co-workers, or improve an existing client relationship, especially with creatives in the corporate world.

Here’s a breakdown of the five ways that people feel appreciated—and how you can apply this knowledge to your advantage in the workplace.

Gifts *ahem it's the holiday season*

It doesn't have to cost you a dime. Workplace gifts can come in the form of shared information, like sending a colleague or boss an article relevant to your company. Perhaps it is a white paper on new design software, or a blog post about the most annoying fonts. (Ryan Gosling would appreciate that one - we all know he hates Papyrus!) 

Promo or swag items are also appropriate during the holidays or for another special occasion. I personally LOVE corporate swag, especially when it’s edible, or practical items like water bottles or portable chargers. When working with creatives, think about something they would like, such as a custom stylus or dot journal. 

Quality Time 

For many, quality face time is the the preferred method of communication. Especially when working with new clients or when starting a new role. For QT lovers, sending an email every few weeks won’t suffice. Instead, they will be much more appreciative if you set up face to face meetings. 

The creative process can be complex, whether this is giving a brief for banner artwork, or an intake call to compose a white paper. Many subtle details can’t be captured through bullet points, and require an in-person (or at least a phone) conversation. In remote work environments, this can be a bit tricky. Try to keep yourself available for Google Hangout/Skype meetings and always be online when your boss or client needs you. Lastly, communicating realistic timelines are crucial. The client has deadlines to meet, but you don’t want to cut your creative process short. Be crystal clear about how long certain things take to finish to ensure quality, and don’t allow yourself to be rushed!

Words of Affirmation

It never hurts to send a thank you note after a professional exchange, that’s just basic manners. Those folks whose love language includes words will certainly appreciate that handwritten note or email thanking them for working with you. Luckily for creative types, you can put your talents to use and write a beautiful poem, or design a custom typography illustration. Vocalizing your appreciation can speak volumes about your professionalism and positive attitude. 

Additionally, when brainstorming with a client, it can be helpful to talk about emotions. This is not a session where you share your personal emotions, but rather the emotions the client is looking to elicit from their audience.The more information you can find out about what emotions or feelings your client wants the project to convey, the more aligned your goals will be.

Acts of service

These “acts” don’t have to include grand gestures. For some people, the epitome of service is when their significant other goes out of their way to do an everyday task like taking out the trash without being asked. Similarly, for some clients, a little extra service goes a long way. Simple things like hand delivery, discounting/waiving fees, or saving your client time by making their travel arrangements can go a long way to make them feel appreciated.  Another thoughtful gesture is to show a client a sneak peek or preview before the deadline. Delivering early and giving a behind the scenes look of your project is sure to impress!

Physical Touch

I’m certainly not suggesting anything that will land you a complaint with HR!! In a romantic relationship, people who speak this love language like holding hands, hugs, or other forms of PDA. In the professional world, this can translate to hand shake styles. A firm, yet natural shake is always best. A “I’m sticking my hand out to shake but really I wish you would kiss my hand to worship me like the princess I am” extended limp hand is just as bad as a “I’m going to break your fingers to show you that I am important” handshake. Both options guarantee an awkward first impression with a boss, colleague, or client, and should be avoided at all costs. Not confident on your handshake yet? Practice on a friend, partner, or family member until you get it right. 

Shake on it? OK. Now. 

How to tell which type you’re dealing with:

Take note of how the person in question treats you. Chances are, they will act upon whichever gestures they appreciate the most. Reciprocate in the same style. If they are hard to gage, experiment with several different styles to show your appreciation, and pay careful attention to how they react to each. 

It’s also important to keep in mind that women and men generally have different professional communication styles. According to Monster, men are typically more aggressive about sharing their ideas, and women are more inquisitive. Forbes conducted research and found the top strengths for women are: body language awareness, good listening skills, and display empathy effectively. Alternatively, the top strengths for men are: commanding physical presence, ability to get straight to the point, and display power effectively. Keep this in mind when you’re next addressing your client!

If you can’t narrow down their particular favored love language, or preferred communication method based on their gender,  find out their birthday and use this guide based on their sign! When in doubt, trust your gut. It is always a good idea to keep the lines of communication open in your creative workplace, regardless of your preferred love language!

Written by: Kait Dunning 👩‍💻 Marketing Consultant; 💙 Founder: Giv-Now; 💼 Founder, Fierce Girls Entrepreneurs Club

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More Than Half of Women Say They Don't Have Enough Time to Do This

If you feel like you don't have enough time to do what you want to do, you're not alone. 

A recent Gallup poll found that six in 10 working Americans (61%) say they do not have enough time to do what they want, compared with 32% of those who are not working. 

61% of females ages 18-49 also say that they don't have enough time to do what they want. 

Sound like you? It's a time-trap-crunch that we've all found ourselves caught in. But the question remains, how do we find some ME TIME in between all of our work hours and commitments? 

1. FLIP THE WAY YOU START YOUR DAY 

Most of us feel the time crunch start from the moment we open our email. Often this happens before we even get to the office. How many of you are guilty of rolling over, checking your inbox, and making sure there's no fire to put out? That is a surefire way to always be playing catchup. Your inbox is someone else's to-do list. 

2. FOLLOW THE TOUCH-IT-ONCE RULE 

We've talked a bit about this before, but the emails we open and don't address take up a lot of space in our minds. Space that we can use to problem solve or come up with creative ideas. The way it works is simple: if you open it, answer it. That way you will be able to more fully focus on -- and execute-- tasks throughout the day. You'll find that as you do this, it not only frees up more brain space, but TIME as well. You can use this extra time to meditate or take a walk-- even if only for 15 minutes. 

3. OK, BUT 15 MINUTES ISN'T WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT (when they say they don't have enough time)

You're right. 15 minutes does not give you actual me time. It's a respite, not a reprieve. Which, is why it's so important to clock out during vacation time. If you don't have to answer emails this coming Friday, don't do it. Give your brain the time to power down. 

Vacation is seen as a luxury, instead of a right, and it's made it so that few full time working Americans are taking time-off. In 2014 42% of working Americans didn't take a single vacation day. Not one. In 2013 Americans collectively squandered 169 million vacation days. Yet this pattern is taking its toll on workers, proving to have a negative ripple effect on employee mental health, productivity, even the economy. 

Taking your vacation days is necessary.

4. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'FREE TIME' & 'ME TIME'

It's more than likely you've squandered your free time. Free time feels slightly more flexible. But if you schedule your me time to do something [insert your GOAL LIST here] you really want to do, it will recharge you in a different way.

Or if that doesn't work, repeat "Beep Boop" until your start smiling. 

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How This Female Comedian Went From Master of None to Master of All

Noël Wells spent one-season on Saturday Night Live before she landed opposite Aziz Ansari on Master of None, where she played Rachel. 

She's also writes and sings lead in her band @t.h.e.m.a.r.y.s. and Power Couple (working title) a show she created, wrote, and is attached to star, was picked up by Comedy Central. 

If that's not enough, earlier this year at SXSW Wells made her directorial debut in Mr. Roosevelt, a coming-of-age comedy that Wells wrote, directed, and stared in. The movie follows a young comedian Emily, played by Wells, who has gone "viral" with a spaghetti vid. But going viral isn't all it's cracked up to be, and when the titular character (spoiler: her cat) falls ill, Emily treks it back to her hometown of Austin where she must face the life she left behind. Namely, her ex-boyfriend and his Pinterest-perfect new girlfriend, who has gallery-walled the living room space and has the pair off coffee. 

What follows is a frank misfortune of events (plus some smack talking on LA Mexican food) that leaves Emily wondering WTF happened to her life? We caught up with the quad-threat to real talk airbrushed armpits and why "Hollywood is just a bunch of weirdos trying to find their way." 

Important question first: Why name the cat Teddy Roosevelt?

I wanted the cat to have a sort of timeless iconic name, the sort of name a younger person would think to name an animal, but also one that could sound like an actual important person so audiences who haven’t read the synopsis could have the potential of being surprised about who Mr. Roosevelt is. Originally I named him Mr. Rogers, which felt very much like “childhood” and burying the past, but my producers were working on a Fred Rogers movie already and so we had to change the name. After a couple of ideas, Teddy Roosevelt felt like it matched a big, orange cat and had the gravitas of something bigger. Since then we have had a lot of weird Teddy Roosevelt coincidences surrounding the film, so it feels meant to be.

Second: Do you really think LA has bad tacos?

Well I think my real battle is the big burrito/taco standoff. Tacos beat burritos, hands down. As far as LA tacos vs. Austin tacos, I like smaller taco trucks in LA, but I think generally I prefer Mexican food in Texas. It’s just more flavorful! Please don’t hate me!

Now...Working with Aziz you said that you felt the two characters were “on equal footing.” Why, besides the obvious, was this important to you?

I just am not interested in being an actress or creative that doesn’t have some say in what’s happening. I like collaborating, I want to be engaged. I have too many things inside me and I need places to put them. When I don’t, I get really depressed and despondent.

Do you feel like you’ve been able to be your authentic self in Hollywood?

I’m sure we all cave to some pressure to be like “something” else in order to fit in, and as much as I think I’m always being true to who I am, I see many ways I chase after the wrong things or people in this town. That being said, Hollywood is just a bunch of weirdos trying to find their way, and because of that, I’ve been able to find my true self more and more and it’s even welcomed. The most awkward things for me are glamorous events. I’m not great on red carpets or photo shoots, but I’m learning how to have fun with image where before I would think I was a liar or faking if I dressed up. I think I’m realizing I’ve been in the glamour closet and I actually like being fabulous. Time will tell.

Wells in Mr. Roosevelt 

You’ve been promoting your directorial debut, Mr. Roosevelt, which, you also wrote and star in. More women are taking their careers into their own hands. Why was this an essential part of your journey?

I am always thinking about things to make and write and create, it’s always in my head and I go crazy if I’m not making something. This just felt like a natural progression of that journey. I think now it stands as proof to myself and other people that I have the capacity to do much bigger things.

Speaking of your journey, in the movie your character, Emily, works an editing job while pursuing her dream, what are some of the odder jobs you’ve taken while hustling your dream?

Oh boy. I’ve been working since I was 15, oftentimes having 2-3 jobs at a time so I’ve had many an odd job. A few that come to mind: I was a manager of an ice cream store, I created Wikipedia pages for businesses, I wrote and photographed how-to articles for listicle websites along the lines of “How to make a smoothie” or “How to give yourself a pedicure”...and I used to make my own clothes and sell them on eBay.

Mr. Roosevelt addresses the aimlessness that so many young women feel. What’s your advice to them?

We are in uncharted times economically as so many careers shift into tech and so much is being outsourced. I think my advice is really about healing and community. We’ve become so fractured as a culture, the only way to sustain ourselves is to come back together, and if you take care of yourself and get better, you’re going to be able to help other people too. This gives you a sense of purpose, and you get better, so it’s a win-win.

"The only way to sustain ourselves is to come back together."

Tweet this. 

There’s a brief moment in the film when Emily looks at her diploma that’s been left in a box in a shed-- and there’s this universal feeling of 'oh, right, this thing. What IS this THING?' And she puts it back. Have you had similar moments?

Yeah. My favorite part about college was that I picked up a lot of useful skills in production classes, but I think in many ways, it seemed like a developmental delay. A diploma doesn’t really mean anything, really. After college I sort of realized I was trying way too hard to succeed in a system, and that success wasn’t really making me happy. I missed out on other real-world experiences I should have been having. But it’s different for everyone!

This also might seem rather minute, but when the she meets up with the crew at the swim hole, no one has perfectly shaved armpits. And it felt like another fresh breath of relief. Let’s not airbrush armpits! Let’s not airbrush life. There’s obviously some poking at Pinterest-life throughout the movie. “Pecans from another state,” meltdown in mind here. Would love hear your thoughts on this.

My big thing in life, is I’m just not interested in manufacturing or falsifying anything. Beauty is all around us in many shapes or sizes, and in many ways it’s all perception. We get to say what is beautiful. So for me, confidence is beautiful. Love is beautiful. Genuine self-expression is beautiful. So images can be beautiful, but often times, beauty gets distorted, and then the essence of what is beautiful is twisted, and it confuses people and makes them feel bad about themselves. I grew up hating everything about myself because of these distortions, and this has been my personal journey as a woman, to just learn to love myself. And part of that has been by seeing through these distortions, and also recognizing other people who are distorting things are also confused. So Emily’s critique of these perfect women is also problematic, if that makes sense. She’s not seeing them for who they really are, which are hurting women just like her.

"Beauty is all around us in many shapes or sizes, and in many ways it’s all perception."

Tweet this. 

Accepting that everything changes is part of growing up. Do you remember a point like that in your life?

This is going to sound dumb, but just making this movie is a major lesson in everything changing. You have something very set in your head about how it’s going to go, you have all these plans and goals about what it will be and look like and what it will do for you, and by the end, if you held onto that image, you wouldn’t have made any progress and you would be in despair because it absolutely is not anything like what you wanted. But that’s okay, it’s been an insane ride and I honestly know I’m better off for it being so difficult and challenging.

Female friendships are super important in the movie. How did you find support while making the movie?

The female actors on the shoot were all really incredible, and they kept me going, and my cinematographer Dagmar Weaver-Madsen was my rock through the shoot. She totally understood the spirit of the film from the beginning, and is also incredibly perceptive about the pressures and roadblocks that women face day-to- day on set. Anytime I would get discouraged, she was there pumping me up and supporting me unconditionally.

Do you feel supported by Hollywood?

Hollywood isn’t really one thing or one entity. I will say I have found my people in the city of Los Angeles, and I’m working to find my creative partners as well. Like anything in life, it’s a journey trying to find where you fit in.

Do you feel stronger doing something on your own?

I’ve always been one to do things on my own, but this has shown to me you really could take everything away from me, put me on a desert island with nothing but some stick and some sand, and I’d still figure out a way to put on a show. But also, I don’t WANT to be on an island alone, I’m really sick and tired of doing everything alone. I want to make things with people.

What type of roles are you most interested in?

I like looking at people’s darkness, the thing that makes someone tick, and also the things that make them lovable even if they’re outwardly being bad or insufferable.

We recently talked to Zoe Lister-Jones who employed an all-female crew, which we found incredibly inspiring. Who have you recently been inspired by?

I’m really impressed with a lot of my female friends as of lately. After Trump was elected, it’s been a year where everyone is looking inside and at themselves and figuring out what they can do to change themselves so they can be of service to the world. I have friends who are hosting salons at their homes, organizing writer’s groups, spear-heading political fundraisers, getting us together to volunteer across Los Angeles, and creating content like I’ve never seen before. No woman I know is content with despairing for too long, we’re all figuring out how to come together.

Given the recent exposure of sexual assault stories in Hollywood, what would you like to see change in the industry?

I just think I’m exasperated by the abuse on all levels. I am here to make art, and I wish more people were into the creation process rather than the fame or money or accolades. That may not change, so I think just rooting out abuse in all forms is what I’d like to see. Outside of sexual harassment, there are a lot of bad bosses yelling and screaming and abusing their employees, and there are people who commit a lot of creative “crimes” to get ahead. I wish more people would operate from a place of integrity and accountability.

Have you experienced situations that have made you uncomfortable and how did you handle it?

All the time. I’ve never gotten it quite right. I’d say about 50 percent of the time I stand up for myself in violating situations, and 100% of those times it initially appeared to backfire on me. But as time is playing itself out, I see now that defending myself or leaving a bad sexual situation or standing up to bullies was the right thing to do, and that will hopefully empower me to do that always. It’s better to be ejected from toxic environments than to stay and be eaten alive.

"It’s better to be ejected from toxic environments than to stay and be eaten alive."

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What’s coming up next?

A lot of writing, a lot of percolating. Hopefully more directing and acting. 

To check out Mr. Roosevelt, click here. 

Top photo credit: Beachside

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Bumble Queen Whitney Wolfe's Best Real Talk Advice

Written by: Tyeal Howell

Nearly all of the fastest growing occupations in the U.S. are within the STEM/STEAM industries. The gender gap in these industries is unreal. #NationalSTEMDay was created to celebrate, inspire and encourage the younger generation to explore their interests in the Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Math fields. To join the celebration, we talked with 8 Women in STEM to get the best “real talk” advice they’ve ever received:

Stay humble.

Know that your career path and your goals may change over time, but stay true to yourself along the way. - Latinas in STEM

Your close crew matters. 

“Who you hang out with determines what you dream about and what you collide with. And the collisions and the dreams lead to your changes. And the changes are what you become. Change the outcome by changing your circle.” -- Seth Godin - Claire Burke

Breathe. 

Take a deep breath and move on! You will realize that you are a lot stronger than you think. - Leura Fine

Honestly, be authentic.

Answer honestly, support authentically, share resources and share other women's work. - Heather Lipner

Get thick skin.

The bigger the risk, the more likely the failure. You have to develop thick skin if you want to accomplish a lot in life. - Rachel Tipograph

Celebrate the small wins.

I've tried to actively start celebrating small milestones and successes, since I know that I'm really bad at recognizing how far we've come as a company. - Aarthi Ramamurthy

"A successful career is earned and requires sacrifice."

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A successful career is earned and requires sacrifice. It truly is done through dedication and a lot of hard work, nothing is handed to you. - Melissa Grillo

Don't sweat it.

Snap out of it! It always looks better in the morning. - Whitney Wolfe

What other women in STEM are you inspired by today? Comment below!

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This Is How You Thrive After Bankruptcy

28 years ago, when Rachel Ashwell opened her first Shabby Chic store in Santa Monica, CA, "the world," she says, "was a very different place." It was August, 1989. There was no Instagram. Computers weren't yet a household mainstay. Google (b: 1998) was not around. At the time Ashwell was recently divorced and looking for a career path that allowed her to balance being a "young mum of two teeny children," who were six weeks and two-years-old, with work. A store "seemed like the perfect path."

Raised in an artistic and cultural household by parents who made money by way of flea markets, the designer learned the world of searching for treasure at an early age. At 16 she left school to become a stylist and "create worlds of fantasy." She used her background, her talents and know-how, her proclivity for hard work, and opened a "little store," on a "wing and a prayer."  She didn't have a traditional business background, but in many ways this made her fearless. 

"My mission," she says, "was simple: to bring a world of beauty, comfort and function to the home furnishing retail market." The first store had anchor products of washable slipcovered upholstery, vintage accessories, and sun-bleached fabrics. 

It became a movement, spawning she says, " a whole new way for people to decorate and live." Shabby Chic was a retail success. Everyone from Julia Roberts to Oprah came calling. The E! Network offered Ashwell her own show which ran from 1998-2003, and by 2008, her children grown and about to head off to college, she was thinking, "what's next?"  She hired a CEO, met with investor groups, and signed on to a plan that would expand the business from six to 57 stores in five years. 

Then the financial crisis hit and Shabby Chic filed for bankruptcy in 2009. 

"In 2007 I decided to bring on investors who had the capital and strategic skill sets I didn't have. Sadly the timing of the economy was wrong, and so after 18 months the new strategy fell apart." 

It was a devastating blow. 

"I was in disbelief; first to myself and many of my fans, as this was a beloved brand that was still so alive and had more beauty to share. But after months of trying to salvage portions of the company," she recalls, "it was all lost."

But part of the Shabby Chic dynamism is the acceptance of imperfection. For Ashwell, though this shock came during a time when she also suffered the loss of her mother and the hurdles of broken romance, it was her "lesson in learning to let go, grieving, finding faith and finding my strength."

In many way this was the same approach she took toward her company: accepting that life and people are not perfect. "How we live in the privacy of our homes," she explains, "is a manifestation of that philosophy. Learning to accept that things don't go as planned allows us to see the beauty of what isn't perfect." 

This she believes is why Shabby Chic has resonated so profoundly with its customers over two decades. That, and an honest determination from its founder.

"While I watched my castle crumble, somewhere in my broken heart I knew somehow we would come back. Shabby Chic was my family." 

"Learning to accept that things don't go as planned allows us to see the beauty of what isn't perfect." 

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Looking back and given the chance to do it again, she says, "I would have let my voice be heard when my instincts had something to say. The investors were wise schooled men and so I trusted they knew more than I in 'scaling a company.'"

But fear has never ruled her roost. "I left school so young and really had no traditional education, and my way of learning is by trying and doing. The good side of that is fear doesn't fester."

So she tried, did, lost for a minute, but got back up. "One has to expect to make mistakes," she notes, "and somehow lessons have to be learned, if not in the classroom, then in life." Today, Shabby Chic is on a journey back to the top where Ashwell's instinct is to stay true to her brand, even if it seems out of fashion. 

"My gut is saying, The World of Shabby Chic is still relevant and to stay authentic. Less in more, small is ok too.....just be true." 

Last year in 2016 Ashwell expanded Simply Shabby Chic ™ into Target, from bedding to other areas of home. A collection called Shabby Chic by Rachel Ashwell Chalk & Clay Paint, which grew from customer requests over the years to learn how she selects and uses paint. She's also "letting Rachel Ashwell come to the light from the shadows of Shabby Chic. This will be at a couture level, not compromising on any details, the crème de la crème of my world."

It's a world where mistakes don't mean failure. Where rough patches are smoothed over with "friends, mentors," a lot of hard word, and the occasional "good, sad movie." 

It is a world where bigger isn't always better. 

In addition to her other projects, Ashwell opened, "The world’s smallest furniture store on Lexington Ave in NYC. Just 250 square feet. But my goal is to tell my visual story, curated intimately but proudly. For me I am happy sitting with the stars, the moon can be for the big boys."

"For me I am happy sitting with the stars, the moon can be for the big boys."

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Pre-Week Motivation From One of Our Favorite CEOs

When Sonja Rasula, CEO & Founder of @UniqueMarkets, @TheUniqueCamp, and @TheUniqueSpace got the #CreateCultivateSEA crowd on the Main Stage AND dancing during our last conference, it was truly something special. As she stated on her personal IG, 

"Here's to those willing to take risks, to say yes to the unknown, to be weird in front of hundreds of strangers. A week ago these brave women got up on stage with me, learned their moves in less than one minute, and gave-it-a-go in front of hundreds of women staring back at them. BRAVO TO THE DARING - the difference between most people and these women is that they climbed onto the stage, knew their moves wouldn't be in sync, were faced with judging stares and DID IT ANYWAYS. And when making decisions in meetings, or figuring out a business idea or planning for a presentation, my guess is these ladies will conquer anything you throw at them, instead of being nervous and sitting on the sideline. 🎉 It was an honor seeing you all at my workshop, just look at those smiles and those moves!!!!"

She's also the owner of the above words, which, might be one of our most liked photos on IG-- ever. So in preparation for our Create & Cultivate x Marriott Hotels popup in Portland this week, where Sonja will be taking the stage to keynote and inspired, we had her rework some of our favorite inspirational sayings. 

Check out the below for a little pre-week motivation and be sure to RSVP to our Portland event here. 

1. Original: Success comes to those who wait. Sonja’d: Success comes over nights.

2. Original: Do one thing every day that scares you. Sonja’d: If it's easy, you're not doing it right.

3. Original: You can do it, put your back into it. Sonja’d: UM I WOULD SAY EXACTLY THAT!  

4. Original: People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. Sonja’d: All it takes is a big idea and a little crazy.

"If it's easy, you're not doing it right."

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5. Original: Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. Sonja’d: You are your biggest critic, let go. Become your biggest cheerleader. 

6. Original: Done is better than perfect. Sonja’d: Dreamers dream. Doers get shit done.

Have a favorite saying? Share in the comments below! 

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Here's How to Face Criticism at Work Head On

Article by Alana Helapitage. Facing Criticism at Work? Here's How to Stay Confident originally appeared on Shine, a free daily text to help you thrive.

Success-driven professionals tend to take our work personally—including the criticism we get for it.

While we have the power to respond to all criticism constructively, there’s some criticism that brings even the most empowered among us to our knees. This is the kind of feedback that challenges our self-worth, our power to serve, and our authority as professionals. 

When we get difficult criticism, it’s important to have a practice to lean on so we can bounce back stronger and more assertive than we were before. In fact, according to a graduate study conducted by Mark Reid, assertiveness is one of the key factors of Emotional Intelligence, which research shows is a core part of effective communication at work. 

The following three-step assertiveness practice has been a lifeline when I’ve received truly challenging criticism. This practice has allowed me to re-center myself when I feel trapped in the mire of other people’s wants, needs, and expectations—helping me to distill the lessons in the criticism while still standing my ground. 

Step 1: Give Yourself Permission to Feel

We carry so many hidden limiting beliefs about certain feelings. The anger, sadness, shame, and other negative emotions that result from receiving criticism can trigger beliefs about what is wrong or lacking in us as human beings. We may believe that having so-called negative feelings reflects our weakness, illness, or badness. 

Decide to feel what you feel.

So, we may react by resisting, dismissing, or outright denying these feelings, only to have them grow stronger and more depleting. 

The solution? Decide to feel what you feel. Carve out some time alone and undistracted to simply sit still, breathe deeply, and witness the sensations that arise in your body. Scan your body from head to toe and notice what feelings come up in each body part. 

Maybe you feel your head swimming in your racing thoughts. Your neck might be aching under the burden of feeling not good enough. Your heart could be pounding with anger at some unjust remarks hurled your way. But amidst the struggle, you may eventually feel some courage mingling with the anger, some peacefulness expanding in your lungs as your deep breathing relaxes you. 

As you notice your feelings, choose to relate to them, not as an indication of who you are, but as a sign of what needs your attention so you can respond proactively to the situation at hand.

Step 2: Write It Out, Talk It Out, Work It Out

Once we’ve given ourselves permission to feel, we need to express what we feel. You may have heard the popular definition of emotions as “energy in motion.” In other words, emotions aren’t designed to stagnate. Rather, they’re designed to be fluid, to move through us. 

Emotions are energy in motion.

To help shift our feelings from negative and depleted to positive and assertive, we need to put words to what we feel—uncensored—and then talk about them to those we trust to listen to us. 

For the first phase of this process, I recommend writing down what you feel. This is the unedited part, for your eyes only. Allow every feeling to spill onto the paper in its raw form, no matter how wrong or even obscene your feelings may seem. If you’re compelled to write an entire page of expletives or a litany that would knock your critic(s) to the ground—so be it. 

Then, highlight the key feelings that are especially difficult for you to process. Decide who you want to discuss them with and clarify what kind of feedback you need so you can respond effectively. If you just want someone to listen, that’s completely valid. I’d recommend speaking with someone who isn’t directly involved in your relationship with the person/people who have criticized you, in order for you to get unbiased support.

Another tip: Physically moving our bodies based on how we’re feeling is a key part of healthy self-expression, whether that means dancing, hitting a punching bag, practicing yoga, or doing other forms of exercise. This is one of the fastest and most effective ways I know to keep our emotions moving in a positive direction, especially when we focus on our breathing and how it would feel to be assertive. 

Step 3: Use D-E-A-R M-A-N When Talking to Your Critics

D-E-A-R M-A-N was introduced to me by my soul-based business strategist, Kim Page, as a handy mnemonic to practice assertive communication. It was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., ABPP, an expert in human psychology. I'll illusrate each letter in the acronym with an example adapted from my experience with writer clients struggling with criticism.

●︎ D stands for describing the facts of the situation at hand. "My understanding is that I was to provide you with ten hours of editing work for $500, and you were expecting a ten page critique in that amount of time."

●︎ E stands for expressing your feelings and opinions using “I” statements, along with a brief explanation. For example: "I feel unclear as to why you expected a ten-page critique, when we agreed that half of your payment (five hours of my time) was to be set aside for a step-by-step editing strategy."

●︎ A stands for asking for what you want and saying no to what you don’t want. Example: "I would like to talk to you over the phone to clarify what your editing needs are, and also what we can do to meet those needs together. I don’t want to write a ten-page critique because I feel it would be overwhelming for you as a novice writer." 

●︎ R stands for reinforcing the benefits of getting what you want and need and the consequences of not getting what you want and need. Example: "If you’re open to speaking with me over the phone about our scope of work, I feel we can come to a clearer understanding of what will make your book as effective as possible. If we don’t, I’m concerned that you’ll continue to want more feedback than we can efficiently apply to editing your work." 

●︎ M stands for staying mindful of your desired outcome for the communication, without giving into distractions. Example: "I understand that you’re disappointed about not receiving a ten-page critique, but I have to emphasize the importance of breaking down our work into manageable steps." 

●︎ A stands for appearing confident, meaning that you maintain direct speech and eye contact. Example: "I have provided editing strategies for dozens of new authors in your field, and I trust that we’ll figure out one that works for you—even if it’s different from what you were envisioning." 

●︎ N stands for negotiating a solution with the other person, accepting that there may be alternatives that will allow you to get your wants and needs met. Example: "While a ten-page critique is off the table, how else do you think we can work together to get your editing needs met?" 

Success-driven professionals often go through a lot of difficult change to claim our self-worth, our authority, and our power to serve. Part of this change includes responding assertively to criticism. 

The three techniques I’ve described can help you to walk resolutely down your chosen path, allowing you to turn criticism into fuel for a successful and fulfilling career.

About Shine:

Shine is a free daily text message experience that makes it easier to live a more intentional life. Each weekday morning, Shine sends curated content and actionable tips across confidence, daily happiness, mental health and productivity. Why? Because we all need a little help to get through the day—and Shine’s got your back. To sign up, text “SHINE” to 759-85 or go to www.shinetext.com to learn more.

Follow Shine on Instagram, Twitter & Facebook: @ShineText

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Why This Emmy Winner Says You Should Flip Off Failure

Fearless and free. It’s a pretty good place to be when it comes to your career. Which is exactly what Emmy-award winning TV news producer and author Wendy Sachs writes about in her book, Fearless and Free, How Smart Women Pivot— and Relaunch Their Careers. 

In the book she discusses the self-imposed barriers that hold women back. The job market’s radical change in recent years. And how we can all take small steps that lead to massive growth. 

Here are our 5 favorite takeaways that you can apply to your career today. Free? Fearless? Right this way. 

1. “The only career goal you should be focusing on right now, is staying relevant.” 

In the book Wendy quotes Karen Shnek Lippman, a managing director at the Sloan-Koller Group. Lippman says, “There is no such thing as a career path now.” It’s scary to think about, but in the last decade we have seen industry change exponentially. Keeping yourself relevant, continuing to advance and develop your skills (ahem, learn new ones), and evolve with the times is a way to make sure you keep your job. 

2. Your sorry’s add up. 

Wendy references the Amy Schumer May 2015 sketch on Inside Amy Schumer, that documents the female tendency to apologize. It’s satire sure, but that means it’s biting. And it packs some truth. Think of how many times you say “sorry” when someone runs into you. Sorry! It’s innocuous enough in that moment, but the propensity to apologize adds up and seeps into our other behavior. 

We suggest testing out actively not saying sorry in instances that aren’t your fault. Someone runs into you? Look them in the eye and wait for their apology. See if it shifts your attitude and self-worth even a smidgen. Because smidgen's add up too. 

“Inertia is a confidence killer.There’s no time to get stuck.”

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3. Confidence is more important than competence. 

Wendy cites research from journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman and their book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance, in which they found that we’re either hardwired for confidence or we’re not. “Like blue eyes,” Wendy writes, “this inheritable trait is something we are born with— imprinted in our genetic code. Kay and Shipman found that the correlation between genes and confidence may be as high as 50 percent and may be even more closely connected than the link between genes and IQ.” 

Did that make your heart stop? We’ve always been told that we can power pose our way to confidence! (Something Wendy also discusses in the book.) And these women are telling us, maybe not? “The key here,” says Wendy, “is that those with overconfidence weren’t faking it—it simply wasn’t bravado or bluster—they actually believed they were that good.” 

So what’s a woman not born with the confidence gene do with this research? We say, allow yourself off the hook for not getting the [insert anything you’ve ever beat yourself up about here] and then rewire your brain to become more confident. 

Wendy says, “While confidence may be partly genetic, the good news is that it is also very malleable. It’s like a muscle that can be strengthened.” 

She also says that “confidence creation is about taking risks.” So go ahead and make some risky moves. 

4. Get Up and Go After It 

If you’re making risky moves, you’re going to fail. You’re going to fall. Sometimes that means starting all over again. 

Wendy recounts the story of Jill Abramson, The New York Times’s first and only female executive editor, who was fired two and a half years into her job. “Some reported,” writes Wendy, “that Jill was ‘difficult,’ which for a female executive is a word loaded with gender double standards. It was also reported that Jill had hired a lawyer before she was fired to look into compensation issues, believing that she was not paid the equivalent to her male predecessor.” 

But Jill didn’t stay down. According to Wendy, “The morning after Jill was fired, she went to a session with her trainer that handed her pair of boxing gloves. She had never boxed before, but hitting the bag was intensely satisfying, Jill asked her trainer to take a picture of her with the gloves and she emailed it to her kids who were worried about her.” The pic went viral after her daughter Cornelia posted it to her Instagram. 

It’s a great reminder that no one fall is your end. Only you can decide your professional end. 

Which is why we love #5…

5. Flip off failure. 

Seriously. Process your failure and then give it the bird. (And the wings so that it may fly away.) You can’t become paralyzed because something doesn't work or survive in the marketplace. 

"Process your failure and then give it the bird. (And the wings so that it may fly away.)"

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We’re reminded of this modern day biz facet the whole book through. And it’s a vital Wendy says, “Inertia is a confidence killer, and with the world today moving at the speed of social, there’s no time to get stuck.”

For more career advice and how to fail forward, check out Wendy’s book, available on Amazon here. 

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The Female CEO Who Turned Sophia Bush Down

Sophia Bush, actress and activist, keynoted our Style Summit at the Simon Mall Houston Galleria this past weekend, and we're still on a high from the knowledge she intentionally slammed, forget dropped-- this wasn't casual, on stage. 

If you missed out, we're sharing 6 of our favorite moments to keep you motivated through your work week. 

On being a tender-hearted softie who takes no shit.

I’ve had to learn, sometimes, how to scream and swear at the phone and then not send it. You know, write the draft of the response to the person who deserves it, but then channel Michelle Obama, ‘when they go low, I go high,’ and I delete it. But still I am really learning the art of a good clapback and I deserve that. Simply because I exist in public does not make me a receptacle for people’s garbage.

It’s taken me 15 years, but I think I’m sort of an expert.

"I am really learning the art of a good clapback and I deserve that."

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On activism being a huge part of her story and advice to women

You have to find the thing that lights you up and that can be in a good way, or a bad way. What sets you on fire?  What makes you so angry? I read a lot about what’s happening in the world today and I’m pissed, I’m so pissed all of the time, and that FIRE that it calls up in the gut of my gut, I’m like, this is why I can’t be quiet. It’s really easy to turn off the news. And look, today is Saturday. My best friend and I laid in bed all morning and ate french fries and drank iced coffee and watched Fixer Upper-- I needed a day. But we have to pay attention and I think the first and foremost step to becoming a more engaged more active member of society, is to pay attention.

On the internet life. 

I would encourage everyone here to make the easiest free investment ever. For the next week, please every day, leave a really lovely compliment on at least one of the accounts of women you follow. Please once a day. Because most of the people who take the time to leave comments are assholes. The really nice together people, are scrolling and liking, but we’re busy. So we can really tilt the conversation by leading it with positivity.

On personal style. 

When we look at the ways we express ourselves and the ways each of us still might be feeling like maybe today’s version of expression was a risk? Support each other. Whether that’s girls who tend to dress in menswear or girls who love to show off their bodies or girls who are fully covered and wearing a hijab. Love on women. Love on them and tell them they are beautiful. Tell them that their style is sick, even if it’s different from your own. I can’t wait to be eighty and be like Iris Apfel meets Georgia O'Keeffe. I’m gonna be such a silver-haired old lady wearing crazy shit out in the desert collecting bones and painting them.

Her advice to her 20-year-old self.

I was so nervous about letting people down. I didn’t know that when I was 21 and started working in television that I didn’t have to answer every question journalists asked me to be polite. What is polite anyway? Figure out what’s important to you and you don’t have to open up your life in ways you don’t want to. You don’t have to please other people before you please yourself. You don’t have to stay in a job that makes you unhappy. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If you’re pretty sure that guy you’re dating is lying to you, he is. Let it go. I learned that one the hard way.

"You don’t have to please other people before you please yourself."

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I really wish I could look at her and say ‘you already know, stop worrying about what other people know or think or want from you more than you worry about how you feel in the root of the root of yourself.’

On putting yourself out there.

Women are often so reductive about ourselves. Men don’t say I think. Women say I think. You might write an email and say I just think it would be so wonderful to know you. No you know it would be wonderful to get to know that person. That CEO who you idolize or whoever that person is, say: "It would be such an honor for me to spend a morning with you. I have a couple of questions that I know your expertise would be so valuable." Stop saying I think I could benefit, I think I would like to-- no you know what you’d like. You know what you can do. Just go for it. I’ve done that. Last year, I sent an email to an incredible female CEO who I admire so much basically asking the same question. She was so lovely in response and said I’m incredibly strapped for time as it is and what free time I have goes to my kids but thank you so much for writing this email to me, the compliment that you paid me really means the world, and I do hope that in some point when we’re in the same city we both have some free time and we’ll get together. I was like I’m so sad but you’re so classy. It made me feel so good to know that I made her feel good.

Photo credit: Smith House Photo

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